Feature Sammy Sosa in the ESPN Body Issue

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The ESPN Body Issue has been criticized as misogynistic and materialist, but we at The Playhouse understand the annual magazine's educational value in showing the world the makings of the world's greatest athletes. Society turns to educational institutions to find the answers to life's questions. At Sammy Sosa's Playhouse, we pride ourselves on the ability to answer people's many burning questions about Sammy Sosa. However, there is one question we have been asked thousands of times but have never been able to answer: what color is Sammy Sosa's penis?

Sammy Sosa's skin color has inspired confusion and controversy among sports fans, media personalities, and woke Twitter users who don't know who Sammy Sosa is but have strong opinions about him anyway. Sometimes the the 1998 National League MVP's skin is equipped with the dark melanin the world saw him become Mr. 609, sometimes his skin is so white that you instantly know he has an Excel spreadsheet listing his favorite U2 albums. While some People of Color have bleached their skins through irreversible medical procedures, Sammy Sosa has admitted to using a skin rejuvenation cream dubbed Creme de Sosa by top Sosalogists, which, when not applied for extended periods of time, leads to his skin reverting to his natural dark color.

Many have asked us if Sammy only applies Creme de Sosa on his face and hands, but we are able to answer that question. There is extensive photographic evidence of Sammy Sosa wearing nothing but a speedo. We got the pics. PM us for them. But we've never beneath that speedo, and thus, are unable to determine whether Sammy Sosa's penis is black or white.

The people deserve to know what color Sammy Sosa's penis is. ESPN's annual Body Issue is the perfect venue to pop the cork on the mystery of Sammy Sosa's cork.