Hey again,

Haven't posted for a while. I am in 4th year now of University. I have got past alot but I am holding on to the illness until people understand the pain I went through, I don't want to push myself that much when I could a lot but I don't feel I want too. I suffer from binge eating whenever I feel I am improving or getting worse. I have a lot of mental blockages to get through socially and academically. I could sleep for a week, I give up easily my days are spend getting up around 10am or 11am because I cant be bothered to move on, I feel sluggish and don't want to get on with people. I feel I am quite lazy at the moment. I take everything to heart which is a symptom of recovery and could push myself alot harder to become confident. I am quite steely and hot headed and always want my way at the moment which is difficult to manage. I like support and help but also like to work out things myself which is a crucial learning curve at the age of 12 through teen years to 18. Each learning stage mentally and socially I was away from. I am not surprised I have social anxiety and negative, dark thinking. Chronic fatigue has made me a bit twisted and vindictive at times I struggle to accept people and what they feel like. At the end of the day very few people care about your experience they want to hear their own story through you. I feel sometimes some neurons are missing in my brain so I take a while to work out what something means. To the other person its quite simple or seems that way. I get lost alot and struggle to navigate my way through the meadows as it has 4 exits and entrances and their is two fields- I do look on the map before I go but think I won't be able to get there. One of things I struggle with I did get there though. I manage new experiences well and always feel stuck in my head. My brothers went through high school with an ill sister who was angry, in pain and living through symptoms that didn't go away with sleep. ~High School kids couldn't understand I found some people were very caring and hung out with me as I was alone. I was shy too so found every interaction like a threat- were they taking the piss- when really they were hanging out themselves and letting me sit beside them. From age 12 and 13 you learn valuable life skills- jokes and banter and taking the piss. You say weird things and phrases which don't make sense and you shouldn't say but you get laughed at or 'told your not normal' and laugh it off so it doesn't bother you and you learn resilence. I found the transition from primary School to High School pretty hard I was nervous sometimes about getting the bus and me and my friend thought we had to pay like 4 times then she realise she didn't but i thought I had too. She said 'fuck sake you idiot you don't need too and laughed alot' Instead of laughing too which would of helped me I thought I was being weird and stupid and felt embarrassed about it embarrassed. Sure it was a little mean but more blunt and I didn't get that I had to stop doing it to look cool. I have always like to please people normally my parents and I am generally a good person- I take things very much to heart. Which is as much my strength and down fall. As being sensitive makes you overthink and question your abilities. My familly have helped me by laughing when I am sensitive at the table so I manage my emotions and reactions better when with friends. As being sensitive stops friendships and they wouldn't be able to take it. Going off in a huff which I do at home when things don't suit me or I get very upset at the table- generally over nothing like someone laughing or normally me not hearing something or jumping into a conversation- or not listening then asking again. Is something I need to work on to gain better and improve my friendships. Friends don't usually take rubbish from people they might just walk off or fail to be friends anymore. 

At age 15 and 16 their is another development stage where people start drinking and relationships start and everyone grows up again I didn't do the same as everyone else I was like 2 years behind as usual. They wore high heels and short skirts where as I wore the nice skirt with buttons on and got nervous about school rules and also tried to rebel. Everyone knew what they were doing in Art and everyone knew each other- I was nervous cause I was ill and couldn't read things that well. Some girls were so confident and chilled but I got on well with people too! I played hockey but looked down so got called weird by two girls and I wore a gum guard which was huge and no one else wore on I girl looked at me weirdly- Why didn't I say fuck off instead of worried about her thinking I was odd and uncool. Some people said 'Whats wrong with her?' I guess they were wondering. My brothers were fine at school had loads of mates. I got on well with different groups and most people. Two girls did help me understand things about grades and maths. I took ages to do things and then everyone was done and chatting. Even in the restaurant, I was the last to read the menu and order as I didn't know what to choose. I struggled with experiments in high school nothing was hard. I don't know how to behave and am downright rude at times but as long as it suits everyone else its okay. I never let myself be myself. I would love to not be in head and not care so much about stuff socially. To be in control of my own destiny and how people react to me to relax about it is important. My brother taught me that I need to stop getting upset about nothing and starting arguments when I am disagreeing with something. To get on with people I need to act a certain way and not get upset about nothing and go in  a huff. Don't act fake just be yourself. I have the means to anyone I want to be and finally let it all go. To stop being slightly mean when I feel some other girl is and not take things seriously. Comments are just comments. A way for others to deal with your problems. To stop talking about mental health or issues all the time or you will become the issue person. To learn and not keep asking things. 

I have hung out with horrible people guys who weren't like me and who took advantage and had a lot of issues which were stupid. We didn't speak well or were frowned upon in society. As I needed friends and had no one. Since the age of 18 I have struggled with my parents and independence and freedom. I've wanted space and all the friends and parties my brothers had. I got a boyfriend who was twice my age 39 I was 18. And did what I wanted to move on with my life it was very damaging but I have never managed to find the balance yet. I phone my mum twice a day at age 28 and still want to be able to feel comfortable to manage myself. Tried to learn to drive a car at age 22 or 23 but did it on and off and wanted to do it without my dads help. I had no friends for a year after high school. Went to Sighthill College made 4 friends there. Wasn't ready to manage a flat on my own or go into doctors appointments myself or in hospital my mum and dad said I needed them in with me as I wouldn't be able to talk or say the right things. One time my dad at age 15 or 16 wouldn't let me go into a options myself to get my eyes tested he said I couldnt manage. And he talked the whole time for me- I was so pissed off. I was pretty ill that time and the lady looked at me weirdly and took dad to leave the room and said the other girl and boy age 13 and 14 went in themselves she said it was weird my dad came in. It wasn't though- he seemed to want to rely my whole chronic fatigue story himself. Another time I made a scene in the hospital as my mum wanted to come in with me about my teeth and I said she couldn't that I could do it myself. She said I would be nervous and not know what to say which already was but she wanted to be in charge. Since my illness I always need my parent's support which is nice but also annoying. They tell me to move on and get over it but they haven't themselves if I need them this much its not very fair or good for my emotional help. I don't always want their advice. I live in a new flat now and some girls at age 19 or 20 are more independent than me. I don't care about owning a car I would crash and forget how to get places. My brothers are age 20 and 25 and learned before me- with not much problem. Me on the other hand I had to learn weekly with my dad and go through several instructors and I havent completed it. They learnt with dad as well but because we are closer we didn;t get on well- I kept being stupid. Cause I am ditzy, dumb and uncomfortable with people. Rory and Max this summer went to canada Rory for a months holiday with 3 people and the guy didn't meet up with them who invited them out. Max went for 6 weeks to a kids camp in the same place and had his birthday with 6 new pals over looking victoria falls it was his 21st so important. Whereas at age 21 I got my nails done with my mum in Harvey Nicks and Tapas with dad at lunchtime for an hour from work. I didn't smile enough that day mum reminded me of all the 21 year olds who were having huge parties so that helped a lot lol. Obviously nothing wrong with that but its a bit miserable. Granma lives with us now. Last summer for me was awful I missed all the holidays due to not understanding some dumb case study 3 friends dumbed me and blamed shit on me- I told that wasn't important enough to talk about 3 times. Told I wasn't invited to London and my parents went on holiday too and my uncle for 3 months to Spain. My mum had to clear out my grandmas house for 3 months and arrange everything for the funeral for my papa. My uncle didn't help at all, he didnt care. Granma lives in my brothers room and its all decorated don't know if she'll want to live on her own and she will be coming on all family holidays now. Understandable with grief and she only had Papa.