Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) has made the world a wonderfully uncomfortable place with his Olive Garden script. Where the nightmare is real and the stick is unlimited; when you're here, you're fucking here. Conan and Team Coco: please turn this script into a segment.

This is my first petition, so I needed some guidelines on how to write it. Change.org COO Jennifer Dulski says I am not powerless. Tips borrowed from The Huffington Post say:

It’s All About You [EXPLAIN HOW THE ISSUE AT HAND AFFECTS YOU PERSONALLY]

When I was 6 years old, my parents divorced. Now, at 33, I want Conan to wrench this nightmare hellscape of a production by @KeatonPatti into writhing, breathing reality.

• Internet Sensation and Ambulatory Robot Jordan Schlansky must be allowed to play Friend 4. Because what are friend for?
• Schlansky has the kind of mouth that may or may not be filled with Secret Soup at any given time.

Keep It Visual

Dulski (via HuffPo): "Our data shows that a Change.org petition is 7 times more likely to succeed when it features a photo or video."

• I have included a mock-up of Jordan spilling liquids from his gleeful, gaping maw. It is in fact a tiny waterfall and may be either tomato sauce or blood.
• This ambiguity is perfect for Jordan as we are unsure of his place in evolution as man, machine, or monster. 
• Even better, I have enough mock-up photos on hand (2) to make this petition 14 times more likely to succeed.

Make A Focused, Specific Request

"There’s not always a clear way to achieve big, broad ideas — even if they’re good ones. Dulski: 'Sometimes people will start noble petitions, like asking President Obama to end world hunger.'"

• Good News, Mr. O'Brien: this is a tiny, stupid, simple idea. And it's free, based on work I never did by better people than I who I'll never meet. 
• ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS DO IT. 

As they say, "History is written by the cold and victorious, not the warm and defeated." (2018, Italian Citizen)

P.S. I think I speak for us all when I say I really want to know what happens when Friend 2 attempts to eat an Italian Citizen in front of Internet Mega Star, Champion of the People, and Totally A Human Jordan Schlansky. 

P.P.S. Many thanks to Keaton Patti for the grim joy he has released upon this Earth. 

P.P.P.S. Follow Olive Garden Nightmare (@OliveNightmare) on this journey of self and secret soup discovery. 

SOURCES: https://twitter.com/KeatonPatti/status/1006961202998726665​

http://adage.com/article/media/lasagna-wings-extra-italy-a-bot-wrote-olive-garden-ad/313882/