Everyone on this campus knows President Lee C. Bollinger has a comically-large, Scrooge McDuck-like swimming pool filled with money hidden in some secret location around Morningside Heights. Yet for reasons unknown, this University still makes its students* fulfill the Core's Swim Test requirement in a regular water-filled environment, probably called Urea Pool or something bougie like that--as if we were common plebes, rather than the future i-bankers and Supreme Court liberals our parents are paying to become.

Why should we be denied the chance to swim three lengths of a pool surrounded by the most important thing in the world: $20 bills? Is that too much to ask out of an endowment filled with profits from private prisons, fossil fuels and racist hegemony? We think not, and we think Columbia University students** should refrain from completing the Swim Test until such time as President "PrezBo" Bollinger listens to reason and allows us all access to his assuredly massive underground cash pit?

*except SEAS, g-d damn ya'll

**also except barnard? idk just look at WikiCU