"I work on a ward where we use CPAP, a type of ventilation where you are awake, not put into a coma. A tight mask is placed on your face and air is blown at force to keep your lungs open. Our patients are incredibly sick, sick enough for ITU but with too many co-morbidities to survive intubated ventilation. So they are sent to us, last chance saloon, last attempt to save them and quite often I’m the last face, well.. eyes, they’ll ever see. 

Towards the end of the summer things normalised briefly, but even then I was having constant nightmares. The fear and anxiety of going into work to be told: “it’s back” was always there. Then my fears came true.

During one shift three people needed palliative care, they were going to die. I helped one man FaceTime his family to say goodbye. Half an hour later I was ringing them to tell them he had passed, each relative too distraught to call their brothers and sisters. So I made that call four times. “I’m the nurse, it’s my job, I can do it, I’ll be ok.”

But I wasn’t ok. I ended up off sick. I tried to come back to work and had a panic attack in the lift up to my ward. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was embarrassed and deeply upset. I love my job, I should be able to do it, this is what I signed up for. I kept wondering: “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing was wrong with me, this is not normal. Nobody should experience death at this magnitude. I’ve learned to show compassion to ourselves the way I do for my patients. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after others. I reached out to “health for healthcare professionals” who provided me with counselling and support. I would encourage any colleagues feeling “burnt out” to do the same.

My colleagues and friends have been amazing, and throughout have also given me unwavering support. I’ve come through this. I’ve been able to return to work and be my loud, annoying and bossy self. I still love my job but I am so much more aware of the impact this life can have on my mental health."

Jade