“I remember the shift exactly. It was Christmas eve. I had five patients, and two of them so sick they needed ICU. I’d been contacting ICU, suctioning, dealing with a fall. An overwhelming amount of work. Then my charge nurse came to me and said: “you’re not pulling your weight. You need to work harder.” I nodded.

Then she came to me a few hours later, pointing out all the things I hadn’t done. No consideration for just how much I had to deal with. My shift was coming to an end, but we were so short staffed that if I went home some of my patients might die. So I stayed extra hours to sort it all out.

I remember finishing the shift and bursting into tears in front of my colleagues. I said: “I can’t do this.” I hadn’t seen my family since March. It was Christmas eve, and I was giving my life and soul to this job. Being told to work harder but I was working as hard as I could.

That was the breaking point for me. Since then, going into work. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s not that I can’t do my job, but the mental health side of things has gotten out of control. They think that just because you chose the job, that means you can deal with the consequences. But we are humans too. Just because I have a blue tunic on, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain or stress I’m feeling. Often working 15 hour shifts to cover for shortages.

I’m not just worried about the patients anymore, I’m worried about the staff. I look round and they are so upset. I can’t remember a shift in the last four months where at least one colleague hasn’t burst into tears. I’m a nurse and I feel helpless. It’s crazy, I am qualified to do so much, to help in so many different ways, but I feel helpless.

I’m off on sick leave. I don’t want to give up nursing, when you’re a nurse you’re a nurse. That’ll never be taken away from me. But I’ve given everything during this pandemic, and it’s become impossible for me to keep going like this.”

Lewis