Chicago Cubs third baseman, Kris Bryant, is a God amongst feeble men. His piercing blue eyes can simultaneously cure cancer and female infertility, while his perfectly sculpted facial hair gives you a back massage and asks you about your day. That's right, his beard can talk. With the help of a little bit of imagination, Kris Bryant may also be one of the world's greatest marriage counselors.

Now, let's get to what this petition is about; his butt. It's his greatest asset. I want to bounce quarters off it into my $10 beer at Wrigley. The only problem is, the baseball pants he wears are just a little bit too baggy, and they don't do justice to what his momma gave him.

By signing this petition, we can create a movement to call for Kris Bryant to wear much tighter baseball pants, and give half of the demographic that stumbles into Wrigley what they came to see.

So to the Cubs clubhouse crew, we are counting on you. Start drying Kris' pants on extra high heat.