Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to sit down and talk about something very serious. It has come to my attention that every fast-spreading plague in mankind’s history has had a glorious nickname that fits its general background profile(symptoms, origin, etc.). Bubonic Plague got to be called “Black Death”. Hydrophobia got to be called “Rabies”. We acknowledge this, and yet here we stand in the midst of a historical event and not doing anything to make it memorable. COVID-19 is spreading like wildfire, and clearly deserves its very own nickname. And with that in mind, I present my case: to make the plague of today’s age more memorable(even if  it has a 98% chance of survival), we must have the courage and lack of decency to officially dub this new Coronavirus the “Kung Flu”. It has Influenza-like symptoms, and originated in the wildlife markets of Wuhan, China. What is China most famous for? Kung Fu(and the invention of gunpowder, but that’s not relevant)! That beautiful fighting art mastered by only the greatest of warriors can serve as an amusing reminder of the raw contagious power this disease possesses. There simply is no other nickname more suitable for this new strain of virus. I hope you all agree with me...

If you’re on board with this(and I seriously hope you are), then remember: while this petition is being sent to the CDC, they might not do anything. It is up to us, the people of this great Earth, to spread the word to our friends and relatives of the mighty Kung Flu, and to use the term in the place of COVID-19 whenever possible. It is only with the power of citizens that we may succeed in our goal, so everybody counts! We are about to make history, people. Let’s get wise-cracking!