This country is falling apart. The housing market is trash, taxes are far too high nationwide, and our freedoms are being impeded upon more and more each day. The reason for this? A lack of moistened fingers. I myself have conducted scientific studies that prove that finger sucking (administered at random times by strangers to strangers when they’re not expecting it) unifies a nations people more than any other activity. As we all know if we don’t stand together we fall alone, so let’s take this time to make surprise finger sucking legal in the US. 

Suck together, or spit alone.