As a long-time iPhone fan, the only thing that really, REALLY bugs me is the cold, impersonal voice assistant Siri - it's time for a change!

For a joke, I wrote a fake news article about Apple deciding to change the voice assistant to Holly from Red Dwarf (male or female) and it got an excellent response.

This made me realise - why the hell can't Apple do it for real?

They have the technical expertise, and surely they could bung Norman Lovett and Hattie Hayridge a few quid as well - this simple change would send iPhone sales through the roof.

Besides, Siri is always making silly mistakes like playing Terry Wogan's Floral Dance when I ask for Ace of Spades by Mötörhead, and this would be a lot more bearable if it was preceded by 'alwhite dude.'

With Apple's know-how and sufficient support from Red Dwarf fans, there's no reason why the dire and monotonous Siri can't be retired to go and live with Queeg and Gordon in Silicon Heaven - Holly and Holly are the future.

Or Holly and Hilly if you only watched the first few series.

Reasons to replace Siri with Holly:

• Although Holly has an IQ of 6, he has a copy of the Junior Encyclopaedia of Space. 
• He is an expert at keeping your life organised - alerting you when you are down to your last bit of Shake 'n' Vac and dogs' milk. 
• He loves chess. 

Thanks for reading!

Simon, Southend News Network
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