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Stopping Anonymity Isn't Enough!

This petition had 34 supporters

Dear Mr. Jeff Bezos and Mr. Jon P. Fine-- 

Along with asking Amazon to stop anonymous posting, as outlined in the current petition signed by Anne Rice, I have some other demands.

1. Remove all 1 star reviews. I have hundreds of them, and they hurt my feelings and make me feel sad. If Amazon got rid of all 1 star reviews, and customers could only rate on a scale of 2-5, it would eliminate a lot of the anger and frustration felt by authors.

2. Everyone who reviews or comments on Amazon should not only post their real name, but also their address, phone number, last three income tax returns, whom they voted for in the last several elections, and pictures of them showering. Let's make sure that people are REALLY held accountable for their opinions by outlawing privacy completely. (I think the NSA may be able to help here.)

3. All reviewers must prove they actually bought the book, finished it entirely, swear on the religious tome of their choice that they weren't paid for their review, and then make sure the review ably defends their star rating. Naturally, this last point can only be possible if they've taken several college courses on How To Properly Review, and have attained a minimum of a B average. 

4. I don't like the words "mirthquake" or "thrillomedy". Amazon needs to delete these stupid words wherever they appear on their website.

5. When someone posts something that someone else doesn't like on, Amazon should send a representative to that poster's home and beat the crap out of them. 

6. Amazon should use bots and spiders to constantly patrol their website, permanently banning anyone who uses too many exclamation points. Or adjectives. 

7. Murder is a very serious topic. It is, quite literally, killing people. Amazon needs to take a stand and stop all murder. Worldwide. Forever. Because murder is bad. 

8. I want a pony, but they're expensive and I don't have enough room on my property for one. Amazon needs to buy me a pony, and a farm where I can keep the pony. Also, lots of hay.

9. She's a witch! Burn her!

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