It doesn't get better, it just get different

This time of year is always hard for me. It wasn't always like this. Before my Dad died, it was amazing. He loved Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas time. He always told me that it was the time that people really learned to appreciate their friends and family. But then he died...and it seemed that so did the holidays....for a bit. Brittany was always my voice of reason. The first year after my Dad died, she was determined to make sure that his memory and joy didn't go away with him. She brought the joy back into the Holidays by always talking about what her Grandpa would do, the candy that he would hide from everyone, the gifts that he would give, and that every Christmas morning he would read from the bible. Brittany loved the Holidays just as much, if not even more, than my Dad. We would always talk about her Grandpa. At first it was hard, we would end up crying all of the time. But as time went by, we would find ourselves laughing and smiling at the memories. He was still here with us....because we made sure that we remembered him and talked about him all the time. I always felt like losing my Dad would be the worse thing that I would ever have to deal with. But I was wrong. There are still parts of my body that feel just as numb as the first day that we lost Brittany. My heart will never be the same. I read somewhere that the greater the grief feels, the greater the love is. Was that supposed to make me feel better? I have read so many things, that I am sure, are supposed to give those that grieve some sort of comfort. All it seems to have done for me, is to make me feel more numb. As each day comes to a close, I take a deep breath and tell myself "You made it through one more day." I don't know if that is a good thing, like YAY ME!!! Or if it just a reminder, that I have one less day to be apart from Brittany. Or is it a reminder that it is one more day that I haven't heard her voice, or felt her embrace. I have tried to be the voice of comfort for those that are new to this journey. They always ask me, "How did you go on?" My reply is always the same.....I haven't. You don't just go on. It doesn't ever get better.....it just gets different. I am content now with knowing that. Things will never be the same. I will always have questions. I will always wonder. I will always grieve for my daughter. I am ok that some "friends" have gone away. I don't care if people get upset when I talk about Brittany. I have even heard of people saying that I should be over it by now. They don't get it...they never will. I am surviving the most horrific thing any parent can imagine....