THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF ANGRY FANS!

We, the undersigned charter members of the Unofficial ‘Beverly Hills’ Fan Club, hereby demand that the character of Joan Dupré, played by the inimitable Ms. Patty Guggenheim, be immediately un-killed off. 

We are not interested in hearing executive producer/headwriter Michael Ausiello prattle on about story arcs that are written in stone or the integrity of the narrative. What we are interested in — and keenly — is seeing Ms. Guggenheim returned posthaste to the role that put ‘Beverly Hills’ on the map. *

The show without Joan is like the real Beverly Hills without hills: flat. 

Plus, it was and is unfair for Mr. Ausiello to have teased Joan’s involvement with the cartel, only to then cheat viewers out of the opportunity to see the havoc that she could wreak. The new character of Lisa Lynx is a welcome addition to the canvas, but she in no way replaces Ms. Guggenheim’s role. We absorbed the shock of Mrs. Robinson’s demise but not this.

No Joan is a no-go.

We thank you for your prompt attention to this matter and will be watching the soap trades closely for news of Ms. Guggenheim’s rehiring and confirmation that rumors of Joan’s death have been greatly exaggerated. We’re sure that Mr. Ausiello and the network are both well aware of the power that a consortium of fans wields. We would hate to have to organize a boycott of the daytime drama that we so adore. But if they think we can’t do it, allow us to paraphrase Cindy Perez: “We know we can.”

Do the smart thing. The sane thing. Give us what we want: Joan Dupré.

* That’s a metaphor. I think.