Like all good petitions, I want to start this one off by talking about the time my mother caught me masturbating. Being the wise woman she was, my mother took precautions to prevent me from pleasuring myself again. I was forced to wear a leather belt with leather cuffs chained to the side (but hey, I turned out just fine, right?). My hands were chained to these cuffs so that I could no longer touch myself, and I was left like that for a week. In the two weeks since I was released from the contraption I have not masturbated, not even once, though I do become strangely aroused whenever I sit on furniture with leather upholstery.

In the same way my mother stopped my masturbation habits, Warner Bros must stop the circle jerk that is the DC Comics superhero movie fanbase. Fans of DC superheroes have been utterly reprehensible when it comes to the company's cinematic universe. Aside from death threats and harassment, they have also just been generally obnoxious. These fans insist that every critically panned film, such as Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, or Suicide Squad, are, as one fan put it in his death threat to Clarke Wolfe, “a fucking masterpiece.”

Worse yet, these fans make pointless petitions, like asking for Rotten Tomatoes to shut down because the site, whose minority owner is Warner Brothers, by the way, aggregates the negative reviews for Warner Bros' DC Comics films. But it’s not Rotten Tomatoes' fault that the negative reviews exist. It's not even the fault of critics, who are just being honest about how badly the movies suck. Warner Bros is the one to blame. They made the films in the first place.

Likewise it is not the fans’ fault that they are obnoxious, horrible humans who lose their shit on the internet when Warner Bros releases a turd of a DC film. It is not the fans’ fault that they cannot process disappointment properly. It is not the fans’ fault that other people just don’t appreciate grimdark mediocrity the way they do. It is entirely DC Comics' and parent company Warner Bros' fault for making these movies in the first place. The only solution is to stop making the films, so that negative reviews would no longer exist, and fans would have no need to be shit heads on the internet.

Now you may believe this is faulty logic, but this method is actually foolproof. For proof, look no further than DC Comics itself. When Superman Group Editor Eddie Berganza was the subject multiple complaints of sexual harassment, DC Comics allegedly understood it was not his fault. It was the women’s fault for being there in the first place, able to be harassed, so DC allegedly stopped hiring women for the Superman office. Since then there have been no known instances of Eddie Berganza sexually harassing women. Eureka! It works!

In that spirit, I hereby petition Warner Bros to stop making DC Comics films. They only cause the fans to get upset and do irrational things (like watching DC Comics films). Those who sign agree that DC’s alleged method of handling sexual harassment complaints should be used to curb the behavior of their fans, and the films should be pulled from the market for the safety of all involved.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my mother has caught me touching myself again, and I must go back in the harness.

TheOuthousers.com