This morning, I got to my JCP to try again for the Hardship Fund. I call it the "HardShi*" Fund for these reasons... 01. I was, like so many people out there, unduly sanctioned by the Universal Credit decision makers to put me in this predicament. Yeah, hard sh!t, mate! 02. The "fund" - should I (you) get it - has to be repaid. Yeah, hard sh!t, mate. 03. You have to fill in a rather lengthy form that is asking me to write down my destitution in great detail. Is this for their pleasure? Are the decision makers touching themselves to read that I require toilet paper to clean up behind me? Yeah, what I produce is comparatively soft to their hard sh!t, mate! 04. If you, like me, are environmentally aware, it will please you to know that I had to fill in the form all over again! That's right... I filled in the first form on the 23rd of this month (December 2016, for prosperity) and today the original form is probably languishing somewhere in a landfill. That's rubbish! Garbage - for my American and Canadian chums! I guess you could say that I am hard sh!t out of luck... Well, I am still waiting to see if I can tap into this murky fund. Filthy lucre? I am expecting a phone call anytime now to let me know if I have got it or not. It's funny, the first time I applied for it and didn't qualify they let me know just as I arrived back home and before I could get my pipe out to take a leak! Gosh! That was quick! And I was bursting that day! It's 17:08 and still no call from the mysterious decision-making department to let me know if I have qualified for the Hard Crap fund. Great! Get this! RING, RING I picked up my phone and the person on the other end wants me to attend an interview. At this moment in time, I have zilch in the bank where around £300 should have been if not for the hard crap sanction. So, how am I going to get to the interview if the fund doesn't come through? How am I going to eat for the rest of the week and the first month of the New Year? Several bill notices have just come in via email and I am wondering how exactly am I supposed to cover them with 98% of my Universal Credit personal allowance taken away. I know... Hard sh!t, right? This could very well be a Monty Python sketch but it is real life. You couldn't make it up!