We Won, And A Treatise On The Results

Recently, Freeform (Formerly ABC family) announced a television show called 'New Warriors' will be part of their new 2018 programming block. The announcement of the show signifies the network attempting to create a new partnership with Marvel. The lineup have been announced and includes the household-known heroes Mister Immortal, Night Thrasher, Speedball, Microbe, Debrii, and... Squirrel Girl Clearly, the only rational explanation is that this petition is the sole reason that this show exists. Myself and the remaining nineteen of you are why Disney has green-lit the show. My peers once laughed at me for creating the petition. "HAHAHA" they said, especially David. Now, I will soon earn royalties for making the show happen. I estimate I'll earn a few million dollars once I mail Bob Iger. Now, you're probably asking what I will do with this enormous sum of money. Well, I have an answer. First of all, I'll buy a considerable amount of land in either Wyoming, Idaho, or Montana (Whichever is cheapest) and become either a grand duke or king of my new fiefdom (depending on how much land I am able to acquire). And depending on how much money I have left over, I may also purchase a modest amount of land for all nineteen of you and you shall become my loyal vassals. The first three of you to sign my Squirrel Girl Petition will be raised to the rank of duke/duchess. The following three will be counts, except for my friend Brendan who will be made earl. The three after that will be made a marquis, and the remaining will be made into barons. Even, my ex girlfriend will be given a demesne as she too signed the petition. They do call me Samuel I The Magnanimous, after all. Be aware that if you pledge fealty to me and accept the land, you will have to pay a monthly rent to your liege, me. I will also make unlanded friends of mine royal advisers, however if you feel as if you're more qualified than them please do send me a page bearing your credentials and I will consider replacing one of them with you. I will have that particular adviser made a subordinate of you if you happen to replace them. Also, if you have friends or family that have a solid and respectable constitution, please have them consider being part of my new order of knights. However, they must be taller than 6' or 182 centimeters to join. I don't want my cavalry to me made up of friggen midgets for god's sake. Once I have become king/grand duke of Great Samlandia and have gotten my vassals in order, I will arrange the capture of anyone who laughed at me when I was writing this petition. Specifically, I will lay a small pile of currency below a net and drop the net onto their body. Once they are brought back to my estate I will have them rub my feet and dance for me at banquets so I may impress foreign dignitaries. Because I am known as The Magnanimous I will eventually let them go once I see fit. If they excel at their roles, I may even permit their residency in Great Samlandia and make them a civil servant of the Kingdom. After this, because I live in a coastal region and the three states I will acquire are inland, I plan to construct an inland sea bordering our lands. I shall fill the sea with only the most scrumptious and robust fish like trout, salmon, cod, and catfish. A cornerstone of this project will also be the whales. I shall populate the Samlandian Sea with whales. I'm not sure what type of whale yet, but mail me some suggestions and my advisers will filter the best ones for me to consider. These whales will be permuted to be hunted, but only reasonably. Female or juvenile whales cannot be hunted and failure to comply with this law will result in a fine, and maybe a revocation of your title if you continue to undermine my ultimate authority. The whales will bring in tourism income and additional riches from oil, meat, and the vomit which is used to make deodorant. I will have to tax my vassals extra after accounting for your increased income, however I will still leave you with significant riches even after the tourism and whale hunting tax. The addition of the Samlandian Sea will also make the inland temperatures less brutal in the winter and summer. So while the temperatures may be extreme in the first few years, the sea construction will make year round temperatures more pleasant. Our government will be a mostly absolutist monarchy with some democratic and republican elements. It shall resemble a more rationalized form of the French ancien regime My vassals will form into regional parliaments which will be able to veto any of my edicts, but both me and the peasants will be able to veto the veto with at least a quarter vote. The peasants will also elect regional mayors who will represent them at parliament meetings. While the landed nobility will have the majority vote in the parliaments, these regional representatives will still have a significant amount of sway and will serve as an agent to improve and maintain peasant quality of life. Elections will use a proportional system to count and distribute votes, but if this results in too much chaos or confusion, as American voting doesn't use a proportional system, then voting will revert back to a traditional first-past-the-post system. There shall also be laws placed that shall be followed by everyone in the realm. Extreme racism, sexual abuse, and animal cruelty will result in a death by stoning, burning at the stake, or a surgical transformation into some kind of crustacean. It shall be whichever method the victim prefers. If the victim prefers to not choose a method, than it will be decided by the regional landed noble. If the landed noble is either too busy or wishes not to choose a method, then Earl Brendan will be the final decider. Sexual harassment and unwarranted assault will result in exile. However, if you want to murder your rapist, local authorities will not get intervene or investigate. Do note that if you want to fight crime, you'll have to wear a signature outfit that you made yourself, as Squirrel Girl would want. The realm's capital city of Samtopia will be opulent yet practical. I estimate the population shall be somewhere between Salt Lake City and Shanghai. The city will have canals running and criss-crossing through the greater metropolitan area. Solar powered boats, electric cars, carriages, and bicycles will be given greater rights than petroleum powered vehicles to keep the air clean and breathable. Throwing garbage into the canal will result in a hefty fine, so don't throw your waste around, you chimpanzee, you. There will be marble statues of both me and Squirrel Girl on street corners, to remind my subjects of their lord, and god. Also on an important side note, Samlandia is a secular state, but Squirrel Girl is the preferred and patron god of our bountiful land. Extensive charity will be given to the poor citizens of Samlandia. Public housing and drug therapy will be expected to be provided to those who need it. There will also be extensive protections to our most vulnerable subjects. Working hours will be limited to eight hours a day and the minimum wage would be at least twenty US dollars to start with. Nutritional, healthy, and free school lunches would be provided to all schoolchildren within our borders as well as a variety of youth groups. Free and quality childcare would be mandated as well. Finally, our flag would be a brown squirrel on a brown field. Our coat of arms would also be three smaller brown squirrels in a triangle formation. I am still working on our governmental policies so please offer me constructive criticism where you see fit. Thank you for signing this petition. 'New Warriors' will appear on Freeform sometime in 2018.