Holy crap. The New York Yankees are in a disgraceful tailspin. If the team fails to make the 2012 playoffs, every single player on the team - except Derek Jeter, God bless him  - should be tarred and feathered and run out of New York on a rusty zipline. Unfortunately, given the structure of modern baseball contracts, this isn't possible. Thus, these ungrateful wretches need to be punished by whatever means possible, except waterboarding. We don't condone waterboarding. It's torture.

THEREFORE, WE HEREBY PETITION THE NEW YORK YANKEES - in the event that the team continue its swoon and fails to make the 2012 post-season - hire Bobby Valentine to manage this disgraceful concoction of players in 2013.

It's what they deserve.