Harambe was clearly a saint. You know it, I know it. Pope Francis I knows it. Instead of taking time out of his day of globe-trotting and skimming collection money off the top, he ought to be doing REAL pope stuff. That's why I, Kevin Cornelius von Habsburg-Wu, call upon Jorge Bergoglio, Bishop of Rome, to make Harambe the Gorilla - who died in May 2016 - a saint.
Canonization requires two miracles, which I will list here to save the pope's time:
1. He taught us to believe in ourselves, and united the world in solidarity against the evils of zoo snipers.
2. He aided Russia in hacking the DNC servers, exposing their corruption. This is pretty miraculous for a gorilla.
Canonization also requires "Evidence of having led an exemplary life of goodness and virtue worthy of imitation, having died a heroic death (martyrdom), or having undergone a major conversion of heart where a previous immoral life is abandoned and replaced by one of outstanding holiness". Look me straight in the eye, pope, and tell me that doesn't describe Harambe to a tee.
You have 72 hours from the completion of this petition to begin the process of canonizing Harambe, or else I will excommunicate you. Make your choice.
Kevin Cornelius von Habsburg-Wu
Duke of Guadalajara
- Pope Francis
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