Jockstrap Our Blockbuster

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, a patriot of Oregon since starring as a brawny cop posing as a kindergarten teacher to brazenly take down a drug lord on the coast of Oregon, bravely stated that like the coal industry, we must stand up to protect American companies that are dying in the wake of on-demand services that supply instant gratification. Certainly, Schwarzenegger must have had my small mountain town nestled in his heart when he made such a heroic claim.

Two of the remaining three Blockbusters in the United States have closed, leaving just one fearless store to stand on the battlefield of the summer’s hottest hits and late fees; Bend, Oregon, is now home to the only place in this great country of ours where one can get the customer service we all so desperately need when faced with a multitude of entertainment options. And yet, something is missing...

Like Zeus without his lightning bolt, like Luke without Yoda, like Donald Trump without a flurry of sycophants and tube socks, and like a boxer without his jockstrap, this Blockbuster in the high desert needs Russell Crowe’s famous banana hammock that bespeckled his nethers in “Cinderella Man.”

This is a petition for not just any old sausage harness, but a petition to set things just a little more right in a world that feels so sideways. Join me in petitioning to John Oliver and HBO so that the true remaining Blockbuster in this embattled country can welcome home a small piece of musty history - Russell Crowe’s jockstrap from “Cinderella Man” belongs in Bend, Oregon.