Thursday, 6th August. The day before my 60th birthday. And I am the exact age my mother was when we eventually met.
For a chance to comment, please visit this version.
I did warn you that this was going to be a bit of a different story … if you are strictly here just for hedgehogs, you may want to stop now!
Over the years I have written about the story of meeting my mother - I have even gone as far as ‘performing’ the story. And it will make a lot more sense if you read and or listen … otherwise I am just going to be retelling the same thing.
The story is always there, in my head and my heart. Many stories of people meeting their biological family following an adoption are hard. There is the hope of a connection - it can be all-consuming. I have met people in my situation who have come away with nothing much at all, others who have fallen in love with their mother only to be rejected, and others who find hostility, even hatred.
I am very fortunate, as it was Anne who reached out to me - so there was clear evidence that she was interested. Imagine what it must be like to make yourself so vulnerable to reach out to someone who may turn you down. That is what Anne did.
Anne was my age now, today, … this is so strange - she was a grownup when I met her - about to retire from teaching. And here I am, still clueless, muddling along as I always have …
The story is sharpened by her poor health - though I think (hope) this is all to some extent fixable. I will be heading back up to be with her after I have got over getting to 60! My role will be to encourage eating! I love eating, and enjoy cooking, so every visit I try to get more food into her … a friend carved a wooden spoon for me, which I gave to Anne, to hang in her kitchen, to remind her to always add ‘just one more spoon’ to her portions …
We have a love that is precious, but we do not have enough time. We speak every day, but she lives around 4 hours away, so visiting takes more planning.
A few years ago we were worried about a scan that showed a shadow on her lungs - and one of the things we did, in an unspoken, lets get to know each other better sort of way, was spend an evening working through a version of ‘Desert Island Discs.’ This long-running BBC Radio 4 programme has as its premise the interviewee - someone in the public eye - preparing to be castaway.
They are allowed to take eight pieces of music, a book, and a luxury. And we spent a couple of hours alternating between our choices … what would you take? My list changes on a weekly/daily/hourly basis! Though obviously the song Seize the Day by the band of the same name is on there (check out the video above and you will see why!)
What book would you take? I realise it has to be my comfort book, the most read in my collection … and it is so predictable… Lord of the Rings.
Anne was a young adult in Liverpool while the Beatles were at their prime … but she was never in to that sort of music. Her love of classical, and in particular string quartets, has been a constant. She plays the cello and is still part of a quartet that meets every Friday (when she is better she will return, I hope).
I went through my Led Zeppelin, Hawkwind, Genesis phase - some of which continues - and came to classical music later in life (before meeting Anne). This gives us plenty of ground for musical conversation.
The shadow - well, that turned out to be tuberculosis. I doubt many people celebrate a diagnosis of TB with a bottle of champagne!
One of the best things about our relationship is the silence. We can sit in the evening, after I have fed her, and each read - or - I help her finish the crossword (not the cryptic, they hurt my head). There feels no need to natter.
She will natter about her garden - it is beautiful, though now the amazing Jeanette helps maintain the sumptuous order that always keeps a bit of wild. Last year the fox cubs caused chaos with their play - this year they have not appeared, and Anne was pleased at not having to re-home shoes, and return plants to the soil from which they had been dug.
I thought there was going to be a point to this update … but I realise it is just me worrying about my mother and sharing it with you all. Maybe I am hoping that with more of you knowing about her it will in some way help. It is at times like this I see why people who believe in god ask others to pray.
Maybe the point is that we all have these battles going on in our lives and that we tend to keep them to ourselves - creating the impression that all is just fine - in fact better than fine. One friend told me that FINE stands for ‘Feelings Inside Not Expressed’ and another suggested ‘F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional’… so I am going to try and NOT be fine … I will be honest with the sadness and I will be honest with the joy, the glee, and the love.