Chocolate Chip Pancakes....

Good Afternoon everyone, I have sat here wondering how to put my feelings into words. Last week was a very hard week for me. And being that it was hard for me, that meant that I leaned on my husband, family and friends more so than ever. I even reached out to someone that I didn't think that I would ever speak to again. But I did. Mother's Day was the start of my emotional downward spiral. I have these quite a bit. I never know what will set them off. It can be a song, a scent, a dream, a child's laughter....but mostly, it is a memory. I am on Facebook quite a bit and they have this wonderful app called "On this Day" and also another one called "Time Hop". These two apps have brought many smiles to my heart....and they have also been the cause of many breakdowns. Well, this Mother's Day was different from the last 4. I try my hardest to smile and put on a happy face for my family. I am not the only Mother in my family. There is my Mother (of course), my sister, Brittany's other Mommy's, and we have a new Mommy this year, our oldest daughter Lyndsey who is the mother to our first granddaughter, Paisley Willow. But 3 things hit me very hard this Mother's Day. 1. When I was holding Paisley, I couldn't help but to be sad to the point that my heart hurt. Brittany will never get to hold Paisley. She will never get to play with her, wont be able to take her shopping, she won't be able to share in her older sister's joy of becoming a Mommy for the first time. Brittany loved children...she would have been an amazing mother...and she would have been a wonderful Auntie to her beautiful new niece. Then it dawned on me....She is missing all of these wonderful things with not only Paisley, but also with Karleigh. Kar is her oldest niece in Texas. She is the sweetest little girl ever and would talk all the time about her Aunt Brittany. Britt was lucky and was able to meet Kar. And then their is also her new little nephew, Hudson. Hudson, much like Paisley, will never have the opportunity to know Brittany. It is going to fall back on Brittany's siblings and family to make sure that they know all about her. 2. My sister-in law came up for Mother's Day. When I hugged her, it wasn't the same hug of "Hey!! I am so happy that you made it. I missed you!!" This was the hug of 2 mother's that have lost children. It was the hug of heartbreak...and one of "I know exactly how you are feeling today." I could have held on to Jen all afternoon. It was heartbreaking...but there was finally another one there like me. 3. I remembered all of the Mother's Days in the past that Brittany would spoil me. The last one that we shared, she made me chocolate chip pancakes. That was our breakfast. But she made them with her beautiful delicate hands...and coffee. She made them because she loved me...and she wanted me to know how much I meant to her and now much she loves me. And that is when it hit me....the last time I had our pancakes was before she was taken from me. That was our thing....and I had my first break down....over chocolate chip pancakes. I just wanted to run to the store and get everything to make them. The pancake mix, mini chocolate chips, whipped cream, bacon, coffee and orange juice. I wanted to make thousands of pancakes....and I knew they all would be soaked with my tears. So this weekend, I am going to make them. I don't know who will eat them with me.....but I am going to make them for Brittany. And I am going to remember her walking into my room on Mother's Day morning to wake me up. I am going to remember her sitting across the table from me talking, swinging her legs, and smacking her lips because the pancakes are so good. God....I miss her more than words can ever describe. As of today, we have 7,439 signatures. Thank you all so very much! You will never know how much this means to me, my husband, and my family. And if you feel the urge....make some chocolate chip pancakes, and think of my angel, Brittany.