Big Pine Key
Petition to George Neugent
Hey Monroe County BOCC, we seceded once. We can do it again. Let us come home! Mutiny
We, the good citizens of Monroe County Florida aka. The Florida Keys aka. The Conch Republic petition you, the powers that be in our wonderful and close knit community to order your goons (The Monroe County Sheriffs Department who we dearly love) to stand down and allow us to return to our homes(or pile of rubble, whatever the case may be) Whereas we did heed your warnings of evacuation well in advance of hurricane Irma thusly executing not only a timely, but also reasonably civil and orderly departure. Whereas we didn't think you would lock the door to our own home behind us depriving us of peaceful enjoyment Whereas the road is open from the mainland to all of the bars in Key West Whereas the bridges supporting this path have all been inspected and certified as safe Whereas we saw the imported looters who made no attempts to physically assimilate into historically acceptable "Keys Casual" attire at the Winn-Dixie before we left Whereas we understand that we need to bring our own food, water, electricity, sanitation, fuel and cocktail umbrellas Whereas we are tired of looking at droves of news reporters(who don't live there), who can't form a decent knot in a tie let alone a bowline in 12' seas, and who think that Marathon is 12 miles from Key Largo... reporting from streets that have plenty of traffic in the background, while we sleep in our cars Whereas we are tired of being lectured on "our" safety. We made it this far didn't we Whereas we all know that a downed power line could be live and if we don't that perhaps it's nature's way of enforcing natural selection Whereas our insurance companies require us to mitigate damage so that our claims process can be a sunny, happy and personally fulfilling experience Whereas we promise to do our part in finding our mailboxes, reinstalling them and cleaning debris from around them so as not to impede the delivery of our FEMA checks Whereas elected officials love to get re-elected and the best way to do that is to do what their constituents want them to do Therefore we respectfully request..nay... we demand you allow those of us who want to go home, free access to our domiciles, thus opening up safe places in the mainland for those who need them. This is America, with a capital A. Do you know what that means? Open the dambed road and let us go home.