Petition to Lena Dunham
End Pizza Now! End Cultural Appropriation!
It is a sad fact that the white men of the world are not content to simply rape and pillage other cultures. They also want to appropriate the traditions of other cultures for themselves. Courageously, Lena Dunham has backed the students at Oberlin college in their fight against this grave social injustice. College kids have realized that when their $66,000 a year college served them sushi and banh mi in the dining hall that the thing to do was not to be grateful. It was to be incensed. Sushi is from Japan and the Banh Mi is from Vietnam. Have not white men already taken enough from these people? Now, they want their food. As Lena put it, “There are now big conversations at Oberlin, where I went to college, about cultural appropriation and whether the dining hall sushi and banh mi disrespect certain cuisines. The press reported it as, ‘How crazy are Oberlin kids?’ But to me, it was actually, ‘Right on.’” Right on indeed, sister. Fight the power. Now, we must take the crusade to the next level. We must ban pizza. Not just on campuses. But globally. This will be hard for Lena because she loves pizza but we know that as a righteous sister in revolution there is no sacrifice she will not make in the name of the cause. You see pizza isn't really Italian. Pizza only exists because Columbus sailed to the New World and those rapacious white men culturally appropriated the tomato from the Aztecs. We must end pizza now! We must also end the Banh Mi because that's a French baguette with Vietnamese toppings. And we have to end sushi because rice was brought to Japan from China. We must end all deliciousness and isolate ourselves from other cultures. Because if you want to create cultural understanding what you do is you discourage fraternization, mixing or eating deliciousness that might make you think that "Wow! That other culture just made awesome in my mouth! Thanks, other culture." The Mexicans who actually suffered the clash of the Aztec and Spanish cultures have taken a rather mature view of what happened. At the Plaza de las Tres Culturas where the last Aztec Emperor Cuahtemoc made his final stand against Hernan Cortez, there is an inscription that reads "Neither a victory nor a defeat, but the painful moment of birth of the Mexico of today, of a race of Mestizos." Mexican culture isn't Spanish or Aztec. It's a blend of the two. The taco and the burrito feature corn tortillas and tomatoes from the Aztecs and meat and cheese from the Spanish. These cultures must be kept separate. You can have a corn tortilla with tomatoes and you can have a lump of meat with cheese but how dare you put them together?!? That isn't a taco. It's a symbol of rape! And so is pizza. So put that slice down and take to the streets. We must separate the cultures of the world in the name of tolerance. Ban pizza now!