Stop the Loretta-Hilton from ending plays during school rush hour
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Life in Webster is really hard. There's too many gunshots, when the wind blows from the south you can smell Affton, and nobody bothers to think of the children. But worst of all, Webster University is home to the old-person magnet, The Loretto-Hilton theatre.
Given that the Loretto-Hilton is positioned almost exactly between two large area high schools, and it being directly in the traffic paths of several elementary schools, the theatre owners have invented a diabolical way to snarl traffic far worse than any lofts on Lockwood ever could:
At precisely the moment schools are letting out, the LH raises the house lights and unleashes a hoard of elderly people who are confused about so many things: where to cross the street (certainly not in the crosswalk!), how a four-way stop works, general directions, and turn signals, to name a few.
As this mass exodus of elderly theatre goers meets the inexperienced youthful drivers from the local high schools, chaos ensues. Two people will attempt to turn left from a four-way at the same time, they will stop in the middle of the intersection, and the two parties will wave each other on, inching across the intersection alternately until they are clear. College punks dash out between cars at exactly the moment they attempt to move forward. Elderly men try to cross intersections on foot at diagonals.
This chaos causes traffic to snarl 5, maybe even 7 cars deep. People are delayed up to as many as 5 minutes from their destinations. Angry women from Affton begin plowing through the crowds without remorse.
The madness must end. We pay too much in taxes already, there's no way I'm paying overtime to school staff to babysit the precious children of Webster Groves until these elderly clear out. Especially when there's a perfectly good au pair awaiting them at home with warm cookies and cold goat milk.
I petition that the Loretto-Hilton no longer be allowed to release shows between the hours of, oh say 2:00pm and 4:30pm M-F.
Its time to end the madness.
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