Violent men compulsory rehabilitation that actually WORK: save my family!
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This morning I cried so much I wanted to end my life. I am SO traumatised by the lack of support for violent men. I decided to fight back here!
I never thought my husband would one day produce a knife in an argument, bullying me to chop off the finger he was too often pointing authoritatively at me. I felt safe when I him in September 2009. He was a good Christian man serving God at his church and part of a great Bible study group. The truth is that I had just escaped high-end prostitution and probably was still feeling quite fragile. I soon discovered that his ways were controlling and abusive, much like men's behaviour in prostitution, using male privilege and entitlement to get their way.
I had been in Australia nine years. My husband to be ('Monsieur') was creative, practical and loved children but mostly for me, thankfully, wasn't a drinker or drug user. He wanted to raise a family to follow Jesus. We were both 36 years old and had a lot of common dreams and interests. After one year of dating we married. Six years and three children later, myself and my children are protected from him by an Intervention Order. He displayed extreme psychological and verbal abuse, volatile behaviour, unexpected tantrums, sexual abuse in the form of withholding affection, and even yelled to us that he wants his son to hear him yell too so he can 'defend' himself better later in life. This is NOT healthy and I know that Monsieur can do better. It is possible to retrain your brain to behave differently, to be able to negotiate with people and with more humanity what he wants.
No more friends came to our house. My dream of going out as couples and sharing a great community life soon became shattered by his annoyance at almost anything I would say or do.
First intervention order I obtained was after the knife incident. I was so scared, I ran to police. I was granted a partial order as I thought he could change, allowing him to continue living with us. In July 2016, just before he was finally removed from our house, he said that he didn’t want to brake the cycle of violence anymore. He had undertood two Men's Behaviour Change programs, to no true avail.
He was and is still is financially abusive, using money to control me. I often had to hide my groceries overnight in the car as I would get yelled at for buying ‘too expensive’ items. He cut me off numerous times access to the only source of money I had: our credit card. I had a $400 a month ‘allowance’. I was only allowed to purchase second hand clothing for our children but he could buy himself new, quality clothing. When I needed maternity clothing I felt he was doing me a favor by paying for it.
We've been separated for seven months and I only see him when he picks up his children 200 metres from our house, for one night a week. This is one of the conditions of the Intervention order, which has been granted on 31 Jan 2017 for one year. This morning is the straw that broke the camel’s back (I am the camel!). He was SO heartless! During our marriage we purchased a time-share ownership property with Wyndham Vacation Resorts for 100k which allows us to travel anywhere, for life, for free, with extensive accommodation, many times a year. This morning I asked him to use the credits from our highest level of ownership the company offers, which we have, and coming with plenty of credits per year. His answer was blunt: 'No, I won't help you with this trip!
We updated the ownership in 2012 after one year of marriage and we paid as a family 80k to become Platinum members. I didn't ask what my administrative powers were in this purchase so he made me only an online user but not an equal owner. Now that we are separated he has cut me off from any access to making bookings. One more way to continue to control the family finances! This morning he told me he won’t help me book flights and accommodation for me and our children to visit my family in Québec, Canada next June 2017 for six weeks. How cruel when those flights are free!
I miss my family a lot. I have been away from home for fifteen years and one important prerogative for me being united in love in this marriage was our common desire to travel to my home country regularly. I now want my children to meet their aunties, uncles, cousins and grand-parents, the latter, my 91 years old grand-mother, not having long to live. My dear mother herself who is now sixty-five years old has been diagnosed with an incurable disease and my husband doesn't even care if I see her or not! How can this be possible? What sort of uncaring, rigid, apathetic and heartless behavior are we allowing abusive Australian men to display? I am crying SO much right now, this is downright inhumane from a man who vowed to love me under God, for better or for worse.
My youngest bubba is one year old. My mother loves babies, I want her to meet him! I asked my husband Harry if he could book tickets for us but I find his actions cruel and insensitive. He vowed to be my best friend for life and now behaves the complete opposite of what a kind, considerate parent could be and allow this trip to happen. I don't get much child support. I have claimed a Single parenting payment seven months ago and still haven't seen any of it. He doesn't like to divulge how much his job earns him so I will refrain from mentioning it.
During our marriage I was regularly ridiculed for my dream of working in the arts sector as a visual artist and also constantly put down in my capacity to run the charity I founded, Pink Cross Foundation Australia, to support people quit prostitution and porn. We had planned to travel to Canada every two years so we could visit my family and he could snowboard. Now I am stuck here because of Monsieur's view of life: a rigid way of thinking, a strong lack of empathy, a desire for retribution and psychopathic, narcissistic tendencies. I am sorry Monsieur, I don't want to label you this way but this is what I have observed. I am sorry if you are reading this Monsieur but this is not the person I first met. Please don't stop me and your children from visiting my family; you are lucky yours is here in Melbourne next door! Abusers often use isolation tactics to better control their victims. This is scientific literature. Please Monsieur let it go; you will not go to your grave with your material gains.
I beg you all, leaders I am petitioning to formulate a new law to make it compulsory for violent men under IVO's to undertake rehabilitation programs THAT WORK. A violent man who is a registered medical practitioner, operating on people daily and improving their lives, but at home driving his wife near suicide by playing mind games and mostly, driving me crazy with his gaslighting.
I am thankful to all the agencies who supported me to leave violence safely but it is now time to look at the perpetrators and CHANGE them! Australia YOU are destroying families!
Some of you will think I am crazy but I still love my husband and want him back. I tell him often that I still love him and do acts of service for him. Wen he picks up the children I sometimes give him his favorite warm dish to eat. I once was ashamed to be in prostitution and I can understand that it must be difficult to realise that you want to change your abusive ways but nothing seems to be working. I think he loves me and his children, but I have seen over and over again his strong reluctance to seek regular help.
I will do anything to keep my family together. He has many great qualities and I know he can do better. My God is a God of miracles and I ask God and I petition the rulers of our country, Prime minister Mr.Malcolm Turnbull, The Honorable Senator Michaela Cash, Minister for Women and The Honorable Fiona Richardon in Victoria, Minister for the prevention of Family Violence to enable this by making it compulsory for these men to undertake rehabilitation programs THAT ACTUALLY WORK! I also ask my local MP David Southwick, MP to act with me on this matter.
Bullying has been part of Monsieur's behaviour towards me and the children. I am under the impression that his work culture may reinforce his private behaviour at home. I am thus also petitioning The Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency and the Royal Australasian College of Surgeons. The first because his work is legislated by them. The second because there are no organisations which oversees the work of 'Assistant Surgeons' in Victoria. So I hold the College responsible for implementing measures to curb the culture of bullying and abuse which is rampant in the field and to my belief, one of the leading causes of my husband's behaviour with us at home when he returns from work. Surgeons have a very bad bullying reputation and Monsieur works with them day in, day out. There must be more than his family of origin that makes him lack such remorse for his abusive ways. His wife and children are not anesthetised patients on an operating table!
Finally, I am also petitioning Wyndham Vacation Resorts to give me FULL ACCESS to the ownership. Some companies MUST stand against family violence! I need to visit my family in June 2017 and cannot wait one year for Family Court to make a decision on the separation of assets. Assets are only assets! I want my husband's heart.
Australia: help bring families back together NOW! I want my children to enjoy, daily, both their parents who commit to a healthy relationship: for heaven's sake, don't allow yet another family to go through the trauma of divorce! Don't let me live alone with three children! I don't want another man in my life I want what I made a promise I would keep, for better or for worse. I didn’t bring children into this world to live as a broken family. I did everything God expected me to do before marriage and I swore I would finally make something positive out of my life. I studied hard, obtained a Master's Degree, worked in my field and unfortunately too, fell into the terrible, outdated legal underworld of prostitution in Victoria. Patriarchal, archaic views about women are still strong, even now that I have children, keeping us *still* very dependent on men to give to our children a good quality of life. This is why women go back to prostitution! All these efforts saving women from violence and yet when poverty hits it sends us straight back into this objectifying world. But thankfully I promised to God I will not go back!
I am an articulate, professional woman who think Australia isn’t taking action to change the culture of violence. I forgive my husband and I would like him to be thought to be a decent human being, respecting women in his life, his children and his community by being kind, loving, patient and considerate, NOT trying to control me. I would like him to address his emotions and manage his anger and violence.
I am just an ordinary mother who is doing her best to raise healthy children and feel good about herself. Home alone with three small children is extremely difficult! Life is often very chaotic and I wonder how long I can put up with this intense pressure. I am still nursing my little boy, who turned twelve months old three days ago. I feel SO low right now! If men like this do not learn to be decent citizens, fathers and neighbors through a compulsory, intensive rehabilitation program, they will drag their partners and children down for the rest of our lives, keeping us all in poverty and fighting difficult mental health problems, costing the health system millions.
Today I planned to work at Pink Cross and create dated labels to put on bread loaves bags we bring to disadvantaged women in prostitution. Unfortunately, I had to attend to yet another blow being a myself a victim of domestic violence. The bread is now rotting in the hallway.
If no law is created, women will continue to suffer: we have to prepare and manage Court sessions, solicitors appointments and the Centrelink jungle whilst pretending we are having a normal life. We can’t grow professionally, we can’t spend quality time with our children, talking to them about the rights and wrongs of life: we are too consumed barely surviving from the violence that we keep receiving from the perpetrator.
If no action is taken, our children will grow up victims and abusers themselves. I can see the signs in my four year old already! He orders people around because that is how his father talked to me and —still— talks to him.
I ASK FOR THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE TO STOP NOW, WITH YOU! DID YOU HEAR ME? It is not enough to protect women: please Australia turn your eyes on those who are trying to control women, their sexuality and the ones of others by consuming porn, by gaslighting, minimising, manipulating and violating the human dignity of their partners, making themselves all the big decisions at home and putting down their partners and their self-worth! I believe in myself and no one will tell me otherwise! We, surviving victims, have had enough! EDUCATE AND REHABILITATE ABUSERS!
I am lucky not to be dead yet. I cry every day though and it costs social services millions of dollars a year to support desperate mothers and women like myself to recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety and stress, and much more. Crying everyday is an understatement: I sob heavily at any moment, anytime, anywhere, just thinking of the predicament I find myself in. Tears just flow. I CAN'T BE A SINGLE PARENT, THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE! I am barely able to take care of myself right now as I give too much to my children.
I am speaking on behalf of those two women a week killed in Australia by their 'under-reformed' partners, who didn't get any 'training' about respect. Please create rehabilitation programs for violent men that work so they can apologise to us and be held accountable for making our lives a misery. Give us decent husbands back! C'EST ASSEZ! ENOUGH!
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