June 29, 2013 5:33 AM Eastern US time
WHEREAS the Supreme Court of the United States* (see footnote)
has just voided the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)
Whereas the Governors of States and Territories
may pass GAS (Gay Alimony Statutes) as a result
of the legalization of same-gender marriage
(See...we TOLD you so!);
Whereas there are already too many methane-emitting
gaseous Governors (especially in key States):
BE IT THEREFORE RESOLVED:
We urge all Governors in the USA and Territories
to pass DOMP as a preferable alternative to
Provisions of Resolution of DOMP:
1) In the name of matrimonial equality, all partners
in all married couples are automatically awarded
"time off for good behavior", as well as "time out"
as punishment; both of which will paradoxically
STRENGTHEN the Sacred Bonds of Holy Matrimony!
(Don't ask me to explain why - just take my word for it,
I have it all figured out - or at least I did a few hours ago).
2) In order to protect the Sanctity of Marriage from the
foolishness and temptations of inexperience and ignorance,
henceforth - from now on - no person who has never been
married before will ever be permitted by law to marry anyone
else in the future. "Only experienced need apply".
(This will not only defend marriage, but will defend virtue too;
in a way that everyone should be perfectly satisfied with.
I mean, sure - the human race may die out within a few decades,
but marriage must be defended at all costs.)
3) In order to force all so-called "straight" married couples
to "conform to the new norm" of gender-bender styles
of the 21st century, the man in all "traditional couples"
must be permitted by his wife to "wear the pants in the
family" at least one day per week - preferably on Sunday
at the golf course or the local hardware store. No
"low riders" permitted - we don't want to see that
"baggy diaper" pantywaist look on Men Wear The
4) TEST DRIVE PROVISION: Just as you would never
think of buying a car without test-driving it, every
potentially lawfully wedded couple should have the
opportunity to "test-drive" the marriage for at least
one week. Recalls by the mother-in-law -
or the "manufacturer" - are a possibility in terms
of issues such as malfunctioning shocks,
leaking fluids, strange aromas emanating from
the trunk, stuck rearview mirrors, "bucket" seats
that look like they came from Kentucky Fried Chicken,
or noisy pipes. Remember, flat tire will get you nowhere,
and no recalls permitted for starting fires under the hood.
5) Just as many motorists prefer the option to
lease rather than to buy, marriage should have a
"rental" option on a yearly, monthly, weekly or
nightly basis (daily basis for Night Shift workers -
with apologies to Stephen King!)
(Insurance policy is strongly recommended in
case of breakage or accident.)
6) Just as you would never jump into a swimming
pool full of alligators, but would probably rather
wade in gradually so you can get used to the water,
there should be a "wade-in" option for marriage,
rather than just a "one-size-fits-all" "cannonball off
the high dive" option. If you back out of the "shallow
end" after six weeks, penalties are greatly reduced
as opposed to, let's say, "backing out" after sixty
years. The longer you're in, the deeper trouble
you're in if you back out - especially since every
step of the way, you have to contend with more
and more alligators on your way back out,
the longer you've been in
the pool. Make sense?
7) Just as liability insurance is required for people
who drive a car or truck or steal a bus in most states,
adultery insurance should be at least an option for all
married couples. "Where are you going, dear?"
"Oh, I'm going out with that nice man across the street."
"Ok dear, please cheat on me, I need the money!"
Tough new laws to prevent adultery insurance fraud
will be necessary in order to defend this aspect of the
sanctity of marriage. In other words, if you tell the
insurance company that your spouse cheated on you,
and they find out that she/he didn't; then you could be in
big trouble - so make sure they really do "cheat up a storm"
if you decide that cashing in on the "marriage-mindedness"
of a wayward wife or husband is the way to go. Reduced
rates may apply after a "defensive marriage" course which
includes watching "The Seven Year Itch" together.
* Footnote: The Supreme Court "went both ways" on
the recent historic ruling (or ruing, depending on which
side of the issue you are on). Dissenting opinions were
heard from Justices Bob, and Carol, and Ted, and Alice.
Committee of 37 Peace Initiative
PO Box 877
Edgmont, PA 19028-0877