My dream to become a great snow cone maker started when I was just a young seedling. I was a wee lad cuddled up in my mother’s arms when a golden snowflake fell onto my nose. And my mother whispered into the wind, “he will be great.”

I grew up as an Eskimo in the land of ice and snow. But I knew that I was stuck there, I needed to be great. And so I made my pilgrimage to Salem, Oregon.

Once I reached the cherry city I was astounded by the sickening lack of a true snow cone community. And so I made it my mission to unite the world; from the starving orphans to the bourgeoisie, using only ice and flavored syrup, one snow cone at a time.

If you think that starving orphans deserve a chance in life than you’ll sign my petition.