Equip our Troops with Indestructible Lidl Carrier Bag Armour

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World peace stands on a knife edge. In these uncertain and dangerous times it's crucial that our brave boys and girls get every resource they need to protect us from terrorists. Security cannot and must not be done on the cheap, and the government has a solemn duty to ensure the Jihadi threat is countered by the most cutting-edge equipment available.

The recent bombing of the District Line train in London shows that a new material offers great promise in containing and neutralizing the threat posed by improvised explosive devices (IEDs). The bomb has been verified by terrorism experts to be a sophisticated two-stage incendiary C12 tungsten payload, an advanced military-grade plastic explosive capable of leveling the whole of Buckingham Palace several times over.  

Thankfully, the crazed and probably bearded fanatic who planted the bomb mistakenly chose a Lidl carrier bag to house this deadly instrument of destruction. In doing so he contained the force of its blast, resulting only in a small pop and a wisp of smoke which got in some people's eyes and made them sneeze.

We urge the Ministry of Defence to conduct urgent research into this new material, and to fast-track its integration into the next generation of IED resistant combat uniforms.

Only through constant technological innovation can we hope to defend ourselves against the ever-present and existential threat of people setting off fireworks in carrier bags.   

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