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Petitioning The Bachelor

Pick Michael Whitney to be the next Bachelor!

Every season, we see bachelors who are interested in themselves -- but Michael Whitney is interested in changing the world. He fights injustice on a daily basis, helping everyone from factory workers to sad Christmas puppies to people who just don't like Nickelback. Here are some other things you should know about Michael:

1) He is always saying hilarious things that are easily taken out of context -- RATINGS!

2) He owns a shirt festooned with keyboard cats -- RATINGS!

3) He sometimes gets drunk and snaps his fingers -- RATINGS!

4) He often forgets to wear pants -- this could be the making of truly the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

Michael has been deeply involved in the Occupy movement, and given the chance, we know he would occupy the hearts of the American people. Don't pass up this amazing opportunity to make Michael Whitney not just the next bachelor, but the greatest bachelor of all time.

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