Vaccinate Comedians First

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Like many of you, I'm disgusted by news stories about Uber and the banking industry pushing for their own workers to be vaccinated first. It's time we loudly state the obvious: COMEDIANS SHOULD BE VACCINATED FIRST.

Why? Because laughter is the best medicine! And with so many anti-vaxxers in America, it’s also kind of the only medicine. So let’s vaccinate comedians first, so America can get the medicine in needs.

Unlike other priority groups, comedians are not heroes. In fact, most aren’t even good people. (A few are terrible!) The real reason why comedians should be vaccinated first, however, is troubling. COMEDIANS ARE SUPERSPREADERS.

Simply look at places hit hardest by the pandemic. New York, Los Angeles, Wuhan. All known for thriving comedy scenes. And isn’t it interesting how the virus spread at the same time comedians travelled the country yelling into people’s faces from stages?

Comedians also work as independent contractors, and are unlikely to let a little cough stop them from opening for Joey McGoofsalots at the Giggle Factory. If we don’t step in, these comedians will be spreading way more than joy. Oh … they’re gonna “kill” alright. They’re going to “take down the house” if you know what I mean. They’re going to “destroy a heckler” alright. You get the idea. (If not, here is the idea: Comedians are going to kill lots of people.)

I humbly present this breakdown of how the vaccines should be prioritized:

  1. Road Dogs (Highest Priority Superspreaders. Consider tossing in the HPV vaccine as well?)
  2. Alt-Comics (Less risky group because they only travel between New York and Los Angeles, and are dramatically less popular.)
  3. Improvisors (Typically only perform in front of other improvisers. While not technically a pod, this group is likely to reach herd immunity. Or “Nerd Immunity” in their case.)
  4. TikTok Comedians (Lowest priority since they work from home and, not to be a prick about it, aren’t technically comedians.) 

It's time to protect America.  It’s time to VACCINATE COMEDIANS FIRST!         

(To be clear: Emergency workers and the elderly should be vaccinated right away. But after them, no group should to be vaccinated sooner than comedians.)