Anyone who has children, or who grew up in a large family knows very well how this works: breakfast takes forever and requires more cleanup than most college raves, Timmy insists he can dress himself, only to end up running around in an old Halloween costume and totally evading recapture; Sarah can't find her shoes and collapses in a mopey puddle whenever questioned about their whereabouts; baby Johnny had yet another diaper blowout, and you have to change all of his clothes and give him a full-body wipe down; and Andy has yet to emerge from his room to realize that it is Sunday, and church starts in five minutes. You finally manage to get everyone in the car, buckled, harnessed, and otherwise strapped down, and you zoom off to church 15+ minutes late, only to get there and realize that the only parking available this late in the game is about about a quarter-mile away across the entire church parking lot. You wrestle everyone out of the car, assemble strollers, distribute snacks, and shoulder your various diaper and book bags, and Sarah chooses this moment to remind you that she has no shoes, and the asphalt is boiling hot from the summer sun. Brothers and Sisters, I say unto you: there is a better way!

As Christians, we believe that the commandment given to Adam and Eve in the beginning of time to "be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the Earth" (Genesis 1:28) through bearing children is still in effect, and it is incumbent upon us to fill the world with righteous progeny. Why then do we not seek to help and support those who bravely and selflessly strive to shoulder that responsibility? We all know that there are two ways to get good parking at church: get there early (a near impossibility for young and/or prolific families), or be disabled. But as dedicated as these parents are, we cannot expect them to take the drastic action of self-harm in order to qualify for reserved parking. But in pondering the rather oddly coincidental and completely unintentional incentivization of disability incumbent in giving preferred parking to individuals with decreased mobility, it occurred to me: why don't we offer the same help, (and incentive) to those Christians striving to grow the family of all the earth?

I therefore propose the following: a reserved parking section for qualifying families, adjacent to the handicapped parking, and as close as possible to the church building.

You might ask: who are "qualified families?" I propose that this include: pregnant and nursing mothers, families that require the use of one or more strollers (after all, strollers are just wheelchairs for babies), and any family having more than three children below the age of 12.

Let us band together as saints and faithful brethren (and sistren) in Christ (Colossians 1:2) to make our parking lots more perfectly reflect our beliefs and priorities as Christians! Plead with your Pastors! Convince your Confessors!  Protest to your priests! Elucidate your Evangelists! Bribe your bishops! Petition the Pope! Maybe even write your congressmen, idk.

If we band together, we can affect change in our churches, and perhaps someday, the world! Imagine a world where young parents no longer have to trek across Walmart parking lots with their offspring in tow like pioneers crossing the plains. Imagine a world in which pregnant women can waddle a minimum distance  into an air-conditioned Target to satisfy her nesting urges. And imagine a world that values, reveres, and respects large families, instead of throwing dirty looks at your messy minivan as they cut you off in the Goodwill parking lot. Sign this petition, and let the Light of Christ (John 8:12) flood the parking lots of the world!