Make Stanford R&DE give me a replacement for my stolen bike

Make Stanford R&DE give me a replacement for my stolen bike

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A Frosh whose bike got stolen by demons
A Frosh whose bike got stolen by de… signed this petition

Making R&DE replace my possessed bike would create massive change on Stanford's campus. It will make my commute to class easier which, in turn, contributes to a safer campus as it would decrease the amount of traffic between cyclists and walkers (Oh and I won't have to steal someone else's bike).

Furthermore, having a bike attributes to lower rates of Duck syndrome, Imposter syndrome and low GPAs, even if ever so slightly. Some might find these claims to be illegitimate or too ambitious. To those I say, it will also contribute to less terrible PWR classes as well as Chem 31M Psets.

In Conclusion, there is no reason for why R&DE should not replace my stolen bike. It restores justice and balance to the universe. Re-aligns my chakras, increases campus productivity; hence, I see getting my replacement as an absolute win for everyone (including the demons who get to keep my bike regardless).

Feel free to reach me at getmemyfrickingbike@oncloud.ws for further inquiries/any tips on the whereabouts of my possessed bike.