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Get President Trump to tweet my local Tesco’s to sell cookies and cream KitKats again

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A worrying problem has arisen. Your first thoughts may be of war, or of crisis, economical or humanitarian. No. Having perused the Twitter account of President Donald Trump, I know this severe case is a matter for the US Government.

As of its reopening following closures for remodelling over the Christmas period, my local Tesco (St Aldate’s, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 1RA, GB) has stopped selling the vastly superior cookies and cream flavoured KitKats in favour of the original version.

I want to believe Trump would fight valiantly for this cause. I believe he shares core elements of his being with the KitKat thesis. “Have a break,” I imagine him chortling to himself, KitKat in hand, in an hour-long bubble bath this Monday evening. He would deserve it. He had served one full day in office as the President of the United States. This is more than 99.9% of Earth’s citizens have ever, or will ever, do. He deserves to let his hair down, so to speak; to relax, maybe have a pedicure. I would suggest a manicure, but I’ve heard that’s a sensitive topic.

I believe easy access to cookies and cream KitKats should be a constitutional right, and, as such, it may as well be so in Britain, too. After all, we’re basically America-lite, aren’t we? The thought almost makes sense, so it may as well be true.

I admit my thoughts on the matter were partially inspired by Trump’s press secretary, Sean Spicer, and his argument against Dippin’ Dots ice cream, which took place over the course of five years via the online microblogging platform, Twitter. 

What was it that captivated me so about such tweets as “Dippin dots is NOT the ice cream of the future”? Was it that he predicted the downfall of the company, which in 2011, a little over one year post-Tweet, filed for bankruptcy? Or was it that his scathing series of comments, beheld in the eyes of the world, influenced global opinions of the company to the extent of hypnotising their wallets and their very tastebuds? It is the latter that I hope and dream for - a world where congress holds sway over the realm of candies, sweetmeats, and sugary treats throughout the English-speaking world.

Some may consider it meddling in unimportant or irrelevant affairs, but it is simply the innate ability of Trump and his team to go wherever needed and offer their rays of wisdom. Take, for example, Trump’s sojourn in Scotland at the time the vote for Brexit was coming in. “Place is going wild over the vote,” he tweeted. “They took their country back, just like we will take America back. No games!” 

Of course, they hadn’t (yet), but a few months on, and Scotland seem bloody keen on the idea. This is just another instance that Team Trump sensitively presaged, which at the time may have seemed sheer nonsense, derided by the masses.

You may yourself be thinking that this matter is trivial - nay, inane, fatuous to the point of incredibility. But ask yourself this, instead: is this not exactly the sort of matter that Trump so readily takes into his own hands? Does he not concern himself with the trivial matters - does he not claim to be a champion of the everyman (or, indeed, the everypussy); of the working-class struggle; of the little frustrations that plague our daily lives? This is precisely the sort of issue which President Trump would take up with open arms, where other, lesser men, might say “No, f**k off, nobody gives a s**t about a f**king chocolate bar.”

And so, I implore you: give a s**t. And help us to show President Trump that we, the people of Earth, know him to be capable of standing behind a just cause for the underdogs; that if anyone is capable of easily resolving petty confectionary drama within 140 characters, that man is Donald Trump.

Help him make an important difference in the world today by bringing this matter to his attention.

Make KitKats cookie again.



A.S., Concerned Citizen of Earth



[A collection of the pertinent tweets can be found here. I don’t know if this is the correct way to cite references in a petition, as research is for losers.]

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