Bring Riff Raff to Speak at Emory's Commencement 2018

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Given the failure of previous commencement speakers to wholly enthrall, engage, encourage, and enlighten graduating seniors of Emory University (with some exceptions of course), as is their role, we have taken it upon ourselves to scour the web and to wrack our collective brains for an individual who can fully, authentically, and easily capture, in all of its aspects, the current zeitgeist in which the class of 2018 is embedded.

Horst Simco (aka Jody HiGHROLLER aka The Neon Icon aka Rap Game Bono aka The White Gucci Mane with a Spray Tan aka Rap Game Johnny Bench aka James Franco aka Rap Game Randy Moss aka Rap Game Peppermint Patty aka Rap Game LeBron James aka Rap Game Uncle Ben aka Riff Raff) truly is a one of a kind individual who encapsulates what it means to be a part of this generation. From the self-referentialism on par with Ouroboros itself, to his intense concern with physique and in vogue accoutrements, Riff Raff seems to parallel the character traits of the current Emory undergraduate youth to a T. As such, we implore the named members of Emory's Office of the President, as well as the President Herself, to engage with the current student body, hear our pleas, feel our intense and existential longing for Riff Raff to grace this campus and bring with him blessings of Neon Iconicity, and to seriously consider this petition.

Riff Raff would serve not only as a beacon of hope, love, and togetherness for all people at Emory, but would also bring with him the eyes of the world, garnering press attention for Emory on par with the coverage during the Ebola outbreak. Further, he would serve as a much needed reprieve from previous commencement speakers: politicians, failed presidential candidates, news anchors, and other non-aquaberry-fresh, so-called  "celebrities." In sum, the student body craves it, Emory benefits from it, and Horst deserves it. 

Give us [Riff Raff], or give us [our tuition back]!



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