As a 71-year-old guy, survivor of childhood rape and sex slave-manipulation of a male family friend; my whole body is convulsed in hurt, anger, rage disgust and revulsion at the Penn State Gang of Four.
The circumstances of my abuse from age 5 to 14 were never shared with anyone, so there was no one to rescue me from my experience, my fears and distrust and confusion were just buried in my subconscious mind for 48 years. For all of those 48 years, the subconscious thoughts were active in my daily life, what I was afraid of and with whom and where I felt safe. As I moved about in the world the age of 53, just months before I became a parent for the first time, my subconscious mind begin to dump the truth of my past experience into my present awareness. I then, 48 years later, began the reconnection of the pictures and pieces of my past. It was heartbreaking, terrifying, liberating, and exhausting. I still don't really know what the cost is to me. I know from my responses to the Freeh report and listening and reading what the pundits reactions were, it is not over for me. After 18 years of attention and work I still have unhealed wounds.
At the age of 10 in the fourth grade, a high school basketball coach started giving me sexual attention. He was kind and gentle and never raped any analy. It felt loving to me, but it happened to the part of me that kept secrets. I still don't remember what contract he created with me. I do know that a fourth-grade friend told me from a graphic stick drawing that the coach and a 13-year-old had oral sex, and the teen had told his mother. The coach was arrested and jailed. I was shocked and saddened, The wounds can heal, but the scar tissue never completely fades.