Imagine you have taken a long, 587 mile hike (like I do every day) and naturally, your body begins to demand water like every living thing on this planet. Unfortunately though, you have already consumed all of your water. How unfortunate. Your body’s desire for this thirst would rapidly grow more than a child’s desire for their mother’s credit card, and similarly never stop asking until it gets what it wants. Thankfully, if you are as fast as me, you will be able to reach the end of your hike and purchase water from a vending machine. You purchase a completely fresh and cold bottle of Deer Park or Poland Spring (both of which are owned by the same company, Nestle). You take a sip and- just like that you die right there. Why? BECAUSE YOUR WATER TASTES LIKE GOSH DARN METAL. YOU FRICKEN DIE BECAUSE YOUR BODY REJECTS THE POISON WATER EVEN THOUGH IT KNOWS IT WILL DIE IF IT DOESN’T DRINK IT. YOUR BODY WOULD RATHER FRICKEN DIE THAN HAVE TO DIGEST THE METAL-TASTING FILTH WATER PRODUCED BY NESTLE. This exact thing happens to actually a lot of people every single day, believe it or not. Except the dying part, that may not happen every day, although I am very sure that has happened to many people. The water, which tastes like metal, should be crime. This is because of the simple fact that just about all living things need water to live, and if the water tastes like metal, then surely eventually all animals will reject water as a whole and die. In other words, Nestle is trying to murder the entire Earth with its metal-like water. This is probably going to come as a shock to many people as it did for me. However, we can stop this. After much consideration, I have come to a conclusion and a brilliant master plan which only someone as intelligent as myself could come up with (one which I lost a lot of sleep coming up with). What if we just buy Nestle? Then we can fix their old water but also force the employees to drink the water (which tastes like metal), which they poisoned us with for years. After a quick Google search, it seems like Nestle is worth… $270 billion. Huh… it’s also the biggest food company in the world ( https://www.wealthypersons.com/nestle-net-worth-2020-2021/ ). Meh, that’s easy. $270 Billion is a small price to pay to SAVE THE ENTIRE PLANET! SO JOIN ME IN SAVING THE ENTIRE PLANET FROM CONTINUING TO CONSUME WATER WHICH TASTES LIKE METAL!!!

***THIS IS ALL FOR JOKES, NO CLAIMS MADE AGAINST NESTLE SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH THEIR WATER DOES TASTE LIKE METAL, THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT INTEND ON DESTROYING THE WHOLE EARTH***