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Justice for Child Rape Victim

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This is my own tale. I was 11 years old when I met my abuser. He transported me from my native land to the US as his daughter when all along I was being victimized. This is just the beginning of my story...

 My abuser is still out on the street living and socializing with young women and children. I hope by bringing awareness to this issue, someone can trace him down.

 My abuser name is Lawrence Bogus (8/6/1949).

Wrote this on Wednesday, August 10, 2011 after reporting the case to the State Department, Pembroke Pines Police Department, Stafford Virginia Sherrif Department, FBI and many other law enforcement agencies that handle these types of cases. I have yet to receive justice and Lawrence has not been arrested.

 #The Mirror Within - Part I: I Suffered Silently...

The Mirror Within is my reality, my inner voice, my ugliness, my beauty but the most of all it is the “me” you never knew!

Part I—

I am so tired of hiding all that have happened to me from my childhood. I was never told or thought of it as wrong; however, my instinct always felt it was wrong. I was ashamed, I was helpless, I wanted to speak, but to afraid that I would be selfish to do because of the damages it would cause to my abuser whom I referred to as my Step-father (LB). I was never told to report, to talk, to share what happened to me. It makes me sick to have been cheated out of that knowledge because I will NEVER EVER get that innocence and time back. Speaking about it is not easy, but I know I have to get it out. I believe it is part of my purpose to bring awareness to and other types of abuse. Unfortunately, during my whole childhood, I have also experienced in addition to sexual abuse, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. I felt abandoned by my parental family, and created a bond with my abuser like none other.

My entire childhood was a complete Hell and part of my life feels that way even today sometimes as I’m learning and experiencing life. However, "To whom much is given, much is required."

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I can personally attest that the effects of abuse touched every aspect of my life—emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual. I lived on survival mode for 27 years; I was protective, defensive, and could be portrayed as an abuser myself. I was angry with everyone, and afraid to trust anyone. Shame and guilt became my constant companions, convincing me that I somehow encouraged the abusers' advances. That’s how my first older sister (EAB) made me feel when I first confided in her; she was the estranged wife of my abuser. She still believes that I somehow wanted to be abused, and have called me all sorts of names. I built protective barriers to avoid loving and being loved; to me Love was a fairytale. That was not the end of my family history of abuse; I learned that my second older sister (MA) was raped. By her confiding in me gave me the courage to speak out and bring awareness to victims of abuses, particularly those that are of Haitian decent. This topic of conversation is tabooed in our culture. Lack of knowledge on how to approach this very sensitive issue make people, parents and others alike, treat the victims as the wrong doers. I hope by sharing my own personal experiences, it will help start the conversation and hopefully I, along with my sister and family members, will have justice judicially and socially. I need your help and support. Please read, sign and share with your friends and family.

My Letter to my abuser on September 2008.

 Today I find it troublesome on whether I should address as you as “dad” or “Lawrence”.  I have battling with the events of my life for a long time and I thought you out of all people were here to help me in coping with what is now becoming more of a traumatic life experience. I have tried my best to avoid dealing with the thoughts that haunt me and the nightmares that persecute me. As you know I have tried several times to take my own life because of the unbarring and overwhelming emotions and depressions that I face after each interactions of these deadly childhood experiences that I had with you.

 You told my siste (EAB)r, your wife (FB) and who knows whom else, that I had sex with you.  While everyone is asking me thousands of questions, which I cannot answer, I have a few of my own that I would like to clear up with you that I never did. I have been wanting to ask you these questions for the longest, but have been too afraid of awaken the nightmares or that depression feeling that almost led me to my death bed. But, since we are putting things out there now, why not face all of it and why not we reveal the real truth.

 You say I had sex with you, was it consensual? Did I ever approach you to say Lawrence have sex with me? Well, my main question to you is why? Why did you do it? Was it out of vengeance because of the pain that my sister brought you? Why is that I am being blame for everyone’s problem? I didn’t tell my sister to do the things she did to you, I didn’t tell MJ to bit your finger, I didn’t tell Fatou to run away, I didn’t tell Coumba to pull a knife on me, I didn’t tell FB that I hated her; but yet all of these things are being said behind my back and because I have never spoke out about it don’t mean I am the one to blame.  

Yes, Lawrence Why? I was around your first daughter’s age  (11yrs old) when I started living with you, would you sleep with her and then tell everyone that you did proudly. You have no shame of your actions and no guilt because I am being blame for it. Look at your wife and how old she is, I’m older than her, but yet you see no wrong in that. You are never satisfied no matter how many women you are with or sleeping with and you see no wrong in that.  But who am I to judge you. I am nothing but a sinner like you.

 I loved you. I loved you like a daughter loves her father. I denied anything you did to me because I never wanted to think about it. When I think of it , I have nightmares, I’m depressed and even if I wanted to see a counselor I was afraid of telling the real truth, too afraid of what could happened to you if I did. You told me not to ever mention this to anyone because they would take your daughter away from you and send me to Haiti. You told me of the consequences that what you were doing to me had if it was to ever tell anyone. You made me stop writing in my journals and took my poems. Even the poem I wrote and the five page letters I wrote before I attempted to kill myself in Senegal. Why don’t you show them to FB and my sister; why don’t you send it to all your friends since you are so proud of what you did. Weren’t you the one who told me that you “like’em fresh…fresh meat”. Since you want to walk around proudly saying I had sex with you, why don’t we give the real picture of how it was?

 Let’s begin the story when we were in Haiti and I was 11yrs old. Do I remember the first time it happened? NO, all I remember Lawrence was that I woke up in your bed with a headache and I had pain, yes pain in my lower abdomen. It was Saturday morning. Was this the first time? I don’t know…you will have to fill in the blanks for me. How many times did I had sex with you (FB asked me)? I don’t know…I don’t remember, half the time I was drunk; I had never drank alcohol or knew its effects until you gave it to me. You continued to rape me. I didn't know how to object, I became numb and it became a habitual thing. The next major thing that affected me was VR (your 2nd daughter’s mother). She was my friend. I liked a boy that lived near her house. You never wanted me to have friends over or have a boyfriend. I was 13yrs old then. When I and Junior wanted to go to the movies you yelled and I just stayed in my room…sometimes I cried. Remember Caroline…my best friend that you wanted to have sex with or my high school friends you would point out for me to introduce you to them? I was afraid of bringing Caroline or any of my friends to my house, too embarrassed that my “dad” would try to have sex with her. Remember when I told you I was at Caroline’s house one Friday for you to come pick me up because I didn’t have taxi money. You said no because you thought I was there to see Caroline’s older uncle when he was not even in the house; you had in your mind that every men want to have sex with young girls because that’s what YOU do. It was just me, caroline and caroline’s grandmother at the house. After you didn’t pick me up, I walked for 3and half hours back home and got home tired, hungry and thirsty just to hear you yell accusing me of sleeping with Caroline’s uncle. I slowly stopped going to Caroline’s house because of that. Then, VR started coming over…I thought she was coming to see me; until I saw you two in the bathroom and I was shocked and just ran to my room. She left without saying goodbye. MJ was your girlfriend already, and some other girls that you would occasionally go out with and sleep with. But you had to take VR, my friend, because she was a virgin…”fresh meat”.

 I can never forget that night when you took her virginity in my room next to me in my bed… You lied to her mom saying that she was with me. But that night, did you have sex with me too???? I don’t know Lawrence, I have been too afraid to even ask my own self that question; I just stop thinking about it. I remember waking up to Vanessa’s mother ringing the door bell and banging on the door. I woke up to find VR and I laying In a pool of blood and you laying naked next to her; and you quickly told me to change the bed sheets while Vanessa was getting dress. She ran downstairs to get ice because of the big red mark that was on her neck. You told me to go down stairs to stop her mom from coming upstairs, but I was moving too slowly for you; I was so shocked by the blood and everything else; you pushed me aside and ran downstairs and opened the door for her. The rest is history… she had your 2nd daughter; I was 14yrs old. That same year, 1999, we travelled to the US.

The abused continued in Miami, Fl and in Virginia. It stopped only when I tried to tell my sister. But, the damaged were already done. I continued to suffer silently. I didn't know how to take. I became numb, depressed, and suicidal. This is only the beginning...



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