Trump MUST visit the UK
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We are outraged that Donald Trump has cancelled his visit to the UK. As a country with a longstanding history of democratic debate and free speech, we believe that Britain has a right to host what would effectively be the Olympic Games of political protest. Nobody would do it better.
We demand that Trump's visit is rescheduled so that the following glorious display may be laid on for Mr Trump's delectation:
* Choirs of children, painted orange, sing Sir Paul McCartney's especially composed 'All You Need Is Covfefe' outside the new American Embassy
* 1000 NHS workers perform life-saving operations on uninsured Americans at Wembley stadium while jumping on trampolines
* Live satellite link up to the North Pole where Sir David Attenborough and Caroline Lucas MP cover an entire polar ice cap with a protective hessian sheath emblazoned with the slogan "OPRAH 2020: A NEW HORIZON"
* McDonalds UK to fire 100 Big Mac Meals out of a restored cannon from the American War of Independence straight into Anthony Gormley's sculpture 'Little Don's Big Fat Fucking Ever-Flapping Mouth'
* Mr Bean to read selection of Trump's tweets in a silly voice from the roof of Buckingham Palace
* The Spice Girls to give free lessons in diplomacy to Trump's top advisors while dancing frenetically on the roofs of yellow New York taxis
* Members of London's El Salvadoran, Mexican and African communities to perform the ceremonial lighting of the Trump effigy in Trafalgar Square
* UK's top physicists to etch commemorative lifesize portrait of Trump's hands on the side of a carbon molecule
* Trump's toupee to be hoisted aloft a 500 foot animatronic fire-breathing Bag Puss so that we can all sit back and watch him try to grab a pussy that is capable of incinerating him
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