Australia to solve Brexit by annexing the UK

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Australia to solve Brexit by annexing the United Kingdom

In recognition of shared historic and cultural ties, the people of Australia call for twin legislation to be enacting in Canberra and London that provides for the annexation of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland by the Commonwealth of Australia. Such a charitable action on the part of the Australian people is necessary to resolve the Brexit crisis that is currently threatening the stability of the United Kingdom.

As a federal system, Australia would admit the United Kingdom as the seventh state of the Commonwealth of Australia. The newly constituted state would be renamed the State of Britain, excising “Great” from the original name.

 

The key benefits of this annexation include, but are not limited to:

  • British trade would immediately be subject to Australia’s 11 free trade agreements rather than being destroyed by WTO or EU rules
  • Her Majesty the Queen is already the head of state for both the UK and Australia and would therefore not be required to relocate to Canada or Malawi (or, even worse, New Zealand) following Australia’s annexation of her British territories
  • Both countries share a common law heritage that includes similar legal processes and the wearing of wigs in court
  • Australian states are responsible for the management of their own health systems, meaning that the newly constituted State of Great Britain can still maintain its own NHS
  • Combining two of the world’s largest fifteen economies would again mean that the British people would be part of an economy larger than the French economy which, embarrassingly, may have become larger than that of the UK following the Brexit disaster
  • Australian passports are blue and that apparently matters to the UK

 

The practicalities of a legislated annexation include:

  • Her Majesty, Elizabeth II, will retain her position as Queen of the UK, Australia and other member states of the Commonwealth of Nations. She will be encouraged to establish a permanent residence in Australia, preferably in Brisbane where property prices are better than London, Sydney or Melbourne and where the warmer weather will ensure she outlives Charles, thus preventing a revival of Australia’s republican movement
  • The nuclear armaments currently belonging to the UK will be redistributed to key locations around the Australian mainland for territorial defence and to ensure that Jeremy Corbyn can’t find them
  • In order to resolve the border issue between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland without reneging on the 1998 Good Friday Accords, the Australian Parliament will imbue Northern Ireland as a legal entity akin to Australia’s own Northern Territory, a self-governing territory within the Commonwealth of Australia.
  • The title of Prime Minister of the UK will be renamed “Premier” and he or she will be responsible for those powers not enjoyed by the Australian Federal Parliament, as per Section 51 of the Constitution of Australia
  • Following a three-year period of transition, Her Majesty the Queen will appoint a Governor to the State of Britain upon the recommendation of the British Premier. During the three-year period, the Acting Governor of the State of Britain will be Kylie Minogue
  • Wales and Scotland will be provided with an opportunity to become the eighth and ninth states respectively within the Commonwealth of Australia. Given recent history, no referendums will be allowed in formerly UK territory (see below), necessitating the vesting of this authority in the devolved parliaments of Wales and Scotland
  • To ensure fiscal stability, the State of Britain will retain its own currency, the Great British Pound, which will be pegged to the Australian dollar at a 1:1 basis for the first time in history. Given Australia’s reliance on China, this will also effectively peg the pound to the Yuan, providing further economy stability in the 21st Century
  • It is neither necessary nor desirable that the Australian and English cricket teams are merged. This will maintain the integrity of the Ashes and allow the English cricket team to play in the Sheffield Shield, a domestic tournament more in keeping with English cricketing ability
  • No Australian or British rugby teams will need to be merged, unless the New Zealand squad retains its dominance and needs someone to challenge them

 

Should a referendum be required to enact any part of the above proposal, that referendum will be carried out in Australia on behalf of the British citizenry, given the dismal track record of the British people and referendums.



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