CHANGE THE NAME OF THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS TO THE WASHINGTON SPACESHIPS

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You’re already on board. You read that first line of the link and your heart skipped a beat— “Yes,” said your heart. “That’s funny. That’s ….yeah, that’s good.” I’m right there with you. Let’s talk about why, and get this petition off the ground.

The Redskins name is racist and appalling. We all know this. Some people—dupes or misguided nostalgists or outright racists themselves—like to pretend it’s not, but we all know. It must go. End of discussion on that point.

THE SPACESHIPS.

Oh my stars how good it is.

NASA headquarters are in Washington, D.C. The headquarters of our SPACE PROGRAM, where they think about SPACE, and sending people to space in SPACE SHIPS, is right there. Know what else is in D.C.? The people who know all the real dirt on Area 51 and aliens etc. I’m talking X-Files right now. That is IN Washington. There is no better name for this team.

Speaking of Area 51. I have always been impressed by the Oakland Raiders’ excellent “Black Hole” section. I mean, Vader shows up. Sometimes three or four of him. There’s a nice level of costume-commitment. That’s cool. But can it step to the sheer delight and badassery of the Washington Spaceships’ AREA 51? Aliens! Astronauts! Solar Systems! Conspiracy theorists! Even the Black Hole pales in comparison to the ACTUAL BLACK HOLES OF SPACE.

Change the uniforms and color scheme? Of course and why not. Tbh the current colors look like old ketchup and mustard and anyway all the NFL wants to do is sell you another commemorative uniform, so I expect they’ll be cool about a new look. Maybe it’s all silver with a streak of alien green. Maybe they look like space, all dark and sparkly. Maybe they look like the Horsehead Nebula and have stealth technology. Can we get those silver chrome helmets that Nike made for the Oregon Ducks? I bet we can. Or the helmets have alien eyes so they look like the greens or something. The possibilities are limitless, a lot like space.

Did somebody say music?

Get George Clinton on the horn. Somebody call Bootsy. Make my football the P-Funk! The Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture in Washington, D.C. has one of the original Motherships—have it land right on the field, baby! Swing down sweet chariot, stop and let me score this field goal.

There’s so much more. The whole stadium chanting the Close Encounters “Boom-boom-boom, Boom-BOOM” theme in celebration of a great play…A dramatic Cape Canaveral-style countdown to start the games, announcers hollering “We…Have…TOUCHDOWN!”…An all-gender all-star intergalactic cheer squad bringing the hottest sideline support this side of the Milky Way…we’ll all shed tears of joy because it’s gonna be beautiful. We deserve something that we can all be happy about. Finally, a team for America in the 21st Century. 

Real talk, I’m not even a football fan. But if we get the Washington Spaceships, how can I resist? I think the phrase is, resistance is futile.

Like I said, you’re already…on board. So sign the petition, and May the Force Be With You.

 



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