as the number of COVID-19 cases rise and fear grips the world, i’d think we could all sleep a little easier if anthony fauci would agree to be my dad. he has a lot on his plate right now - nothing less than saving the nation - but taking a few minutes to sign the requisite forms would be worth the trouble. 

in exchange, i promise to help poppa tony pick out his handsomest tie every morning and to tell him when there are smudges on his glasses. i demand that he tuck me in at night and give me a kiss on the forehead. he is welcome, but not required, to tell me how fast i am growing.