Why is this important? Washington is a hot mess. The values, tactics and priorities exhibited by Congress have the flavor of a middle school slap flight over who's more popular. It's clear that the Mean Girls disgracing the halls of our nation's capital do not have the interests of the American people at heart, but are shortsightedly preoccupied with saving face, CYA and petty partisanism that has brought us to the brink of economic disaster, debt crises innumerable and war.
Today's government shut-down is simply the last straw. As congressmen and women kick their feet up to let the circle-jerk of gloom -- sometimes known as the American media -- flog the dead horse of stalemate-over-progress (as if it's news), hundreds of thousands of government employees go unpaid, including the men and women of the armed forces. As Senators play pattycake in the dimmed lights of the rotunda, the infirmed and elderly face the real possibility of an imminent loss of benefits. (However, we do recognize the very real possibility that the people who spy on the Facebook and Tumblr and whatever else are probably still at work. So thanks for that.)
Congress, Mr. President -- the American people have had enough. We're not sure what you're up to, but if you were Gretchen Weiner and the American people were Regina George, we would put y'all on a three-way call and tell you to stop trying to make "fetch" happen.
To be clear, it's everybody's fault. Each of you has let the American people down. Your pattern of misbehavior suggests that you will not be able to find a functional way of progressing our nation.
Therefore, WE THE PEOPLE demand an amendment to the Constitution that mandates the settling of stalemate by way of the truest method of resolution: a dance-off.
The rules are simple:
- Each party may pick a six-person crew for a two-round dance-off with the option for a tie-breaking round.
- Each crew will elect one soloist for a spotlight routine lasting no longer than sixty seconds.
- Crews may dance in any style, though we do not recommend the pop-and-lock to novice dancers.
- Music will be selected by RuPaul, 'cause she knows what it takes to get a booty shaking.
- Crews may not use props, with the exception of John Dingell of Michigan and Ralph Hall of Texas, who may use canes/walkers/Hoverounds (we're trying to settle issues, not kill anyone).
- Americans will dial in to a special 1-800 number to vote for the best crew during a live telecast.
- The team that wins the dance-off wins the vote. There are no recounts or appeals. No filibustering or fauxlibustering. The losers have no choice but to suck it up, move on, and work on their moves.
- The first dance-off will commence immediately after ratification of this amendment, to permanently settle the issue of this year's budget/appropriations bill.
- Those members of congress not competing on a crew must spend their time doing some work, like maybe trying to jail at least ONE of the hundreds of Wall Street sharks who conspired to eff up the economy while reaping billions of dollars by engineering the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Just one.