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Started 3 petitions
Stop Making DC Superhero Movies
Like all good petitions, I want to start this one off by talking about the time my mother caught me masturbating. Being the wise woman she was, my mother took precautions to prevent me from pleasuring myself again. I was forced to wear a leather belt with leather cuffs chained to the side (but hey, I turned out just fine, right?). My hands were chained to these cuffs so that I could no longer touch myself, and I was left like that for a week. In the two weeks since I was released from the contraption I have not masturbated, not even once, though I do become strangely aroused whenever I sit on furniture with leather upholstery. In the same way my mother stopped my masturbation habits, Warner Bros must stop the circle jerk that is the DC Comics superhero movie fanbase. Fans of DC superheroes have been utterly reprehensible when it comes to the company's cinematic universe. Aside from death threats and harassment, they have also just been generally obnoxious. These fans insist that every critically panned film, such as Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, or Suicide Squad, are, as one fan put it in his death threat to Clarke Wolfe, “a fucking masterpiece.” Worse yet, these fans make pointless petitions, like asking for Rotten Tomatoes to shut down because the site, whose minority owner is Warner Brothers, by the way, aggregates the negative reviews for Warner Bros' DC Comics films. But it’s not Rotten Tomatoes' fault that the negative reviews exist. It's not even the fault of critics, who are just being honest about how badly the movies suck. Warner Bros is the one to blame. They made the films in the first place. Likewise it is not the fans’ fault that they are obnoxious, horrible humans who lose their shit on the internet when Warner Bros releases a turd of a DC film. It is not the fans’ fault that they cannot process disappointment properly. It is not the fans’ fault that other people just don’t appreciate grimdark mediocrity the way they do. It is entirely DC Comics' and parent company Warner Bros' fault for making these movies in the first place. The only solution is to stop making the films, so that negative reviews would no longer exist, and fans would have no need to be shit heads on the internet. Now you may believe this is faulty logic, but this method is actually foolproof. For proof, look no further than DC Comics itself. When Superman Group Editor Eddie Berganza was the subject multiple complaints of sexual harassment, DC Comics allegedly understood it was not his fault. It was the women’s fault for being there in the first place, able to be harassed, so DC allegedly stopped hiring women for the Superman office. Since then there have been no known instances of Eddie Berganza sexually harassing women. Eureka! It works! In that spirit, I hereby petition Warner Bros to stop making DC Comics films. They only cause the fans to get upset and do irrational things (like watching DC Comics films). Those who sign agree that DC’s alleged method of handling sexual harassment complaints should be used to curb the behavior of their fans, and the films should be pulled from the market for the safety of all involved. Now if you’ll excuse me, my mother has caught me touching myself again, and I must go back in the harness. Gavin Dillinger (hello, future prospective employers!)Co-Editor in ChiefTheOuthousers.com
Make Dan Slott stay off Twitter
With Marvel's general attitude of contempt toward fans, combined with their reliance on gimmicks, reboots, and super-mega-crossover events over quality storytelling, it's difficult to enjoy their comics. However, that difficulty is increased if readers use social media and witness superstar Marvel writer Dan Slott being a total jerk on Twitter. Seriously, the guy responds to anyone who criticizes him or Marvel with vitriolic tirades, even if they don't mention him. This is not appropriate behavior for a high profile professional working for a global corporation and the largest comics publisher in the US. Surely, the Walt Disney Corporation has some sort of guidelines for its employees on social media. Are they just not paying attention to comics because the industry has, at most, 100,000 readers (if we're being really generous)? Surely, they would not want their company represented by an irate comic book writer frothing at the mouth at fans, journalists, and anyone who gets in his way. Marvel, Disney, make Dan Slott stay off Twitter. Honestly, we're not sure how he even manages to write Amazing Spider-Man and Silver Surfer when he appears to be angrily tweeting at fans and journalists around the clock. It must take at least two hours to write Silver Surfer - one hour to watch an episode of Doctor Who, and one hour to adapt the plot to a comic script. How does he find the time? The world would be a more cordial, pleasant place if Dan Slott stayed off Twitter, or at least followed some reasonable corporate guidelines to curtail his childish, abrasive behavior.
Hire Zack Snyder to Direct Mark Waid's Irredeemable
For years, superstar comics writer Mark Waid has been absolutely livid on Twitter about the movie Man of Steel, following an incident in a movie theater when Waid actually had an out of body experience to witness himself standing up and yelling at the movie screen because Superman kills Zod (spoiler alert). Three years later, and the famously hot-headed Waid is just as MAAAAAAAD about Superman killing as he was when the movie debuted, and will go to any lengths to convince people of what he believes to be an irrefutable fact: Superman shouldn't kill. Mark Waid has just had his creator-owned comic, Irredeemable, optioned by Fox for a movie. Irredeemable is about... wait for it... an evil Superman analog that kills. Take a moment to savor that. We propose that Fox hire Man of Steel director Zack Snyder to helm the Irredeemable movie, as this would drive Waid absolutely crazy, and let's face it, he's at his most entertaining when he's crazy (which is, admittedly, most of the time). Further, we suggest that Snyder, just to really push Waid over the edge, insist that Irredeemable character "The Plutonian" refuse to kill. It's true that the rumor mill currently says Ant-Man co-writer Adam McKay is set to direct Irredeemable, but it's not too late to fire him, and we're sure he'll understand. If you agree that it's in the public interest to make Mark Waid really, really mad on Twitter so that we can all watch him melt down and lovable comic book websites can get viral articles out of screencapping his tweets, please show your support by signing this petition. Thank you in advance. (Our apologies to Irredeemable co-creator Peter Krause for potentially ruining his movie with Zack Snyder's terrible directing just to prank Mark Waid, but we're sure he gets that this is for the greater good. He knows Mark Waid, after all.)